independence: friend or foe?

a friend sent me a message on facebook that sparked thought about independence.  she said the following:

"I remember reading a list from a book on your blog and one of the things mentioned money and men feeling the need to be the provider. I found that being independent made most guys feel uncomfortable and also caused them to not want to "do" anything "for" me, but with an attitude. As if they were silently saying, oh you can handle everything on your own, you don't need me. Me and another independent girlfriend both had this issue and starting talking about being independent by choice and by default..."

that got me thinking...is independence admirable or undesirable?  does it have to be one or the other?  since then i've asked this question of a few close folks in my life. 

the single women i asked said that they agree with my friend's statement.  they have felt penalized for trying to get and keep their lives in order.  we've seen women who have the damsel-in-distress personality find love.  but it seems like many more responsible women get overlooked or ignored because to some men, it looks like they don't need a man in their lives.  but do women that are clearly in need of men in their lives really get more attention?

let me break this down for the men, (and women that don't identify). 

the longer a woman stays single, the more responsibility she must take on.  paying her bills, buying a car, (in my case, replacing a car after a stripper hits it on her way home from work at 3 am), getting a pet, buying a home, taking vacations, caring for sick parents and grandparents, planning for retirement, investing...the list goes on and on.  that kind of woman has to daily balance work and who-knows-what-else.  that means she's got a system and must maintain it so that her whole world doesn't fall apart. 

you see, it's not that she doesn't need a companion in her life.  it's just that no one has asked or taken the opportunity to figure that out. 

women can't just say that when she first meets a man.  could you imagine the fear it would strike in the heart of a dude if she were to say, "hey, nice to meet you.  just so you know, i'm a highly organized hard-worker who has a lot on her plate.  i'd love it if you would step in and be the man i've been waiting for so that i don't have to do all this on my own.  i do need you, (or someone like you), to be a part of my organized chaos.  when can you start?" 

that, along with, "how many kids do you want?" "what's your stance on premarital sex?"  "what's your relationship with your mom and dad like?" are highly inappropriate for first dates, right? 

so how does a woman communicate that to someone when some guys make assumptions and never give her a chance? 

a single male friend offered his opinion, too.  he said that a responsible woman isn't a turn-off.  but a controlling one is.  yes.  i definitely agree there.  if, (once in a relationship), the chica cannot let her boyfriend serve her and lead them in the relationship, then that is a huge problem and stems back with submission.  (yes, that dirty, ugly word that feminists want banned from the dictionary.  but stay with me.  the biblical definition of submission is not a woman that plays the doormat or doily-wearing church mouse.)  a woman that cannot allow her man to lead the relationship needs to deal with that. 

a married female friend said that some men in relationships take that independence for granted and let their woman do it all because he knows she can.  that is a lazy man that should be avoided!  in my opinion, that relationship will never be as fulfilling as it could be.  in fact, i venture to say that it barely resembles the church and our relationship with God. 

but i digress...

a married male friend said that it's a sign of immaturity if a guy doesn't pursue a woman he likes just because it looks like he doesn't have anything to offer her...that she's got "it" all together.  he said that when he met his wife, he appreciated that she could take care of things if he weren't around all the time but would miss him while he was gone.  is that true for most men?  is that the kind of women mature men look for?  

here's where i need your input: what do you think of independence in single women?  do you identify with the i-get-ignored feelings?  do you think all this is an excuse/cop-out controlling women use to make themselves feel better?  is independence a turn-off for single men? 

perspective

In case you didn't know this, I sell homes for a home builder.  Even though my title is a sales counselor.  I believe the biggest part of my job is the latter part of the title: counselor.  And that means listening A LOT.  Granted, buying a home is a big deal and it's even bigger when you're building it.  So it's understandable to need someone to walk with folks through the process and help keep them calm. 

Many times, I am, (whether consciously or unconsciously), invited into the lives of my homeowners.  I get to hear about their families, play with their kids, talk about spiritual things, and listen when they are stressed out about different parts of their lives and how it affects their feelings toward their new home. 

Today was no different.  There is a very sweet woman building a home with us.  This home means a lot to her and you could say it's purchase is bitter sweet.  You see, she is a widow.  Her husband was killed maliciously in an armed robbery...executioner style.  Imagine the horror if you were her.  To hear that news...I hope I never know what that feels like. 

But what was special about today's visit to the model home was her thoughtful words to me.  Despite her nervousness about building a home and doing it all alone, she says, "I am praying for you to find the right man.  I had a date this weekend and I know how hard it is out there.  And I just really think you deserve someone special."

She had just said, (with tears in her eyes), that this home is the home she and her husband had planned to buy together.  It made me cry, too!  But in the midst of her grief and stress of moving twice and building a home, she is considerate of me.  It humbled me.  Her genuine words of encouragement meant so much to me right now.

This is because I've wrapped up my online dating experience.  It taught me a lot about what I want and who I am.  And I'm glad I did it.  But I also know that it's time to end that experience.  I am exactly where I need to be: the right job, the right church, the right city.  And I believe that God doesn't need me to be in a huge church to "increase my odds."  Rather, He needs me to be obedient for His kingdom.  And all the other things will be added to it when it's time. 

Because I am in the right job today, this sweet woman encouraged me in a way none of my other homeowners could have because of her specific life situation.  I don't think I'll ever forget that.

the purest of truth

^{I've been reading Colossians 1 this week.  I love the poetry and honesty of it.  I believe it expresses the purest of truth in life: Christ is the physical representation of God, savior of the world, the head of the church, and in Him I am made holy.}   

^{I was drawn to this passage because I needed to stop and remember why I write.  And why relationships are worth the effort.  You see, the world says dating should be exciting.  However, I'm exhausted!  It's hard work but I know it's worth it.  And I needed a reminder of that.}

^{The "for in Him all things hold together..." phrase struck me.  Christ is Who creates relationships and keeps them together.  It's when we forget that, that we mess it up.} 

^{Read on and be thankful...}

⁹For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, ¹⁰so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; ¹¹strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously ¹²giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.  

¹³For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, ¹⁴in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.  ¹⁵He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. ¹⁶For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him.  ¹⁷He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.  ¹⁸He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.  ¹⁹For it was the Father's good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, ²⁰and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.  ²¹And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, ²²yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach--²³if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister. 

boundaries in service

here's a question that i've struggled with most of my life: how do we sacrificially serve each other and yet keep healthy boundaries as unmarried Christians?  and what are those boundaries?  is there biblical precedent for it?

the bible repeatedly tells us to serve each other beyond our conveniences; to love each other without hesitation as Christ does.  if He is our perfect example of unconditional love, what does that mean for those of us with less definable relationship statuses.  now, i know that the lines can get blurry for married folks, too.  and unfortunately, i've seen many people get caught up in that and really screw up their lives and ministry.  

but since i'm single, i am more interested in how to answer this question in regards to other single people.  i believe that the Lord is working in my life to reveal to me how He wants me to behave.  but i'd love to get your feedback.  God brought this to mind today because of something i just read. 

i'm a big fan of oswald chambers and his My Utmost for His Highest study.  today he writes in regards to 2 corinthians 12:15, "though the more abundantly i love you, the less i be loved."  He explains that Paul sees his life as "I do not care with what extravagance I spend myself, and i will do it gladly." 

that got me thinking, how does this translate to me and how i "spend myself" for other single men in my life?  it's easy to love the women around me without there being a misunderstanding of my intentions.  i can tell a woman that i love them and they won't freak out and think i'm in love with them!  but the unwed dudes in my life most certainly could!  (and with good reason if they don't know me and my intentions.) 

i've run into situations in my life that even though my acts of service were purely because i care about them, someone will inevitably start to believe i have feelings for them.  and other times, i have had to evaluate my intentions: am i doing this because they are my brother or more because i do have feelings for them?  that's when i recognize my fault in it. 

but no matter what, i get frustrated that i can't serve my male counterparts the same way i can the women.  does anyone else struggle with this?  (i have a feeling i'm not alone in this.)  i know some very servant-minded single men that have helped me and many other women move.  but i'll bet you a u-haul that some of those women have and do start to think that their act of service meant more than it did. 

oswald, (yep, we're on a first name basis), also writes, "natural love expects some return, but Paul says - i do not care whether you love me or not, i am willing to destitute myself completely, not merely for your sakes, but that i may get you to God." 

that being said, how can we "destitute" ourselves in order to bring our single brothers and sisters to Christ? 

it's hard enough when their is a definition to a relationship.  but in the friendship/not dating relationship, what is appropriate service?  is it wise to go to such extremes for our brothers and sisters? 

Christ did.... 
Paul did.... 

perhaps it simply starts with our intentions.  if we set it in our hearts to simply love our family as just that, family, i believe it would simplify so much.  and if we do not expect a "return" on our efforts to serve them, there won't be much room for disappointment, right?

here's where it gets tricky for me: what about when you feel that folks take you for granted.  for instance, i believe there have been male friends in my life that have taken my emotional support and acts of kindness for granted.  not that i expected anything in return.  but there must come a point when that man decides who he will marry, (at least its more likely than not that a majority of us will be married), and therefore the person he supports and supports him is designated with a wedding ring. 

so if any of us is biding our time with someone of the opposite sex outside of the context of a dating relationship, isn't that a form of fraud?  are we using their service to us as an in-the-meantime significant other?  it's much easier for me to know how to handle each friendship when i know exactly what role i play in their life.  but since men and women don't always think the same, (shocking, right?), we can't expect each other to know when we are defrauding them. 

the Lord and i have been talking about this for a long time.  all i can say is thank goodness God offers mercy and grace!  i am such a work in progress.  but at least progressive!

talk to me!  give me your thoughts on this.  it may be very clear to other folks.  but for those of us that need a little help...share the wealth!

adventures in dating

i'm at a strange place in life.  (but who isn't?)  i work in the building industry during one of the most frightening economical times our country has seen in 30 years.  i'm a part of a burgeoning new church in which i have the opportunity to lead with truly gifted people.  there are wonderful people in my life that i love to love.  and my writing project takes time as i work through what the Lord is teaching me. 

somewhere in the midst of all this, i am still hoping to meet the man i will marry someday.  it's weird because in all other aspects of my life, i must do the pursuing.  but in this one area, it doesn't work that way.  don't get me wrong, i've tried being the pursuer.  and it NEVER works out.  EVER. 

but how do i flip the switch from the pursuit after spending over 90% of my time doing just that? 

i've been on a few dates the past couple weeks.  it's been fun!  but at the same time exhausting.  i don't know how people do this well.  before each date, i have to psych myself up and be hopeful for a fun time with a (hopefully) normal guy. 

women will agree with me when i say it takes a lot of effort to get yourself looking just right before a date. but then add to the mix the idea of a blind date or meeting someone you've met through eharmony or match.com. 

okay, i confess that i've joined both those websites as an experiment.  and it's a bizarre experience to say the least.  both have yielded such different results.  eharmony: major let down.  not one of those matches seems the right fit for me...even though i answered a MULTITUDE of questions in the profile questions.

match.com has been more productive.  i've decided that it's because the men have an opportunity to search for the kind of woman they'd like to be with.  and with that comes the natural progression of man pursuing the woman.  instead of the same dynamic i see in so many churches: men presented with many available women and the women compete for the attention of the men.  at least that's what you see in larger churches with singles ministries.  this passive approach isn't working well. 

what i'm finding in my 29th year as a single, Christian woman, is that it's harder to find someone that values abstinence and doesn't push the envelope physically.  yes, all things are permissible...but not all beneficial.  as a church, i think we've done a poor job helping young adults in this area.  we need to encourage folks to not prolong adolescence and find a mate.  (that is if you want to be married.)  then, the physical aspect that is already too tempting, isn't considered more acceptable as we get older.  (but this is a whole other topic...)

that's when online sites are helpful to folks that are really interested in finding the right person.  so, even though nothing's really panned-out yet, at least i've met some neat men and learned more about what i want and who i am. 

i had a friend say to me last night, "play on, playa."  (a line from the totally awesome 90s hit, "no diggity".)  even though i don't want to appear a "playa", i have the opportunity to learn the appropriate level of expectations after just one or two dates.  these dating sights create the opportunity to date several people at one time.

but what i've found to be most interesting, is the increase in coupled/married friends suddenly suggesting that i be set up with their single friends.  this is a pretty new experience for me.  in fact, i used to wonder why they didn't do this before.  so, i think the timing of it is pretty interesting: just when i've decided to make myself available through online dating services.  perhaps it has something to do with being willing to open myself up to new opportunities?  or maybe i'm at the place God wants for me so that the conditions are right to meet my future love?

either way, i'm encouraged to know that good guys are out there and they will treat me with kindness and respect.  what a blessing!  after all, it's easy to become jaded and cynical in a world of imperfect people.  i was starting to grow more and more frustrated with single men in my age group.  so, the Lord, (like always), is redeeming those worldly assumptions and changing my heart toward more hopefulness and less cynicism. 

some honesty...

I feel a need to come clean and just be open and honest.  Not that I'm usually dishonest...it's just that I started blogging to talk about what other people are saying about relationships and to get your feedback. 

But tonight........tonight there's a different purpose to my writing. 

I write to you tonight from a comfy bed in the Residence Inn.  I accidentally brought my laptop along when I forgot to take it into my house before I left for the hotel.  But I now think that part of my forgetfulness wasn't really by mistake.  I believe that the Lord wanted me to write tonight; knowing what I would be feeling at this very moment. 

Here I am on a leaders retreat for The City Church.  I am so thrilled to be a part of this church family!  I love everyone in it.  And I'm so blessed to know that they feel I am qualified, (thanks to Jesus), to lead a village.  In our first session we talked about why The City exists, what the Gospel means and how it translates in to our lives and our identity. 

Needless to say, it's been a great encouragement already! 

Yet......

I sit here WIDE awake.  Like the movie "Sleepless in Seattle,"  I can't seem to stop thinking about what I'm missing and therefore preventing a decent night's sleep.  No, I've not lost the love of my life.  I don't even know who he is!  And yet, I miss him. 

I'm ashamed to say that although I am sure that the Lord has given me everything I need for this day and will provide everything I need for the next, I still long for more.  I want to find the man that the Lord has chosen as my husband.  I want to begin our life together, to serve him, love him on a much deeper level than anyone else on earth!

I sure wish that I didn't struggle with this and that I could go about this leadership training without this distraction hanging around.  And even though the Lord and I have taken great strides in this area of my life.  Tonight I feel weak and brokenhearted. 

As I sat around the round-ish table this evening surrounded with wonderful, godly people, I felt different and alone.  I could hear the enemy telling me, "Look at all these couples.  THEY can lead a group.  But you?  You're just one person!  How are you adequate for this job?"  His lies sunk in deeper and deeper until just a few minutes ago when tears came pouring out of my sleepless eyes. 

This is spiritual warfare; no doubt about it.  I claim Jesus' cleansing blood all over me and the enemy will not be victorious.  But as the Lord soothes the ache and quiets my fears, tonight I pray.  And I write. 

My mind WILL be transformed.
I will NOT be conformed to this world.
He Who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it.

But for tonight............tonight I confess that I ache for something that the Lord does not want to give yet.  And I await eagerly for the new, merciful morning.

"For Women Only" Part III

Feldhahn characterizes respect is essential in a man's life.  And there are different situations that he needs respect:

Need #1: Respect his judgement

Need #2: Respect his abilities

Need #3: Respect in communication

Need #4: Respect in public

Need #5: Respect in our assumptions

(Pages 29-48)

Over the years, I've been blessed to watch many couples relate to each other.  And even though I've not had much experience in committed dating relationships and especially with  marriage, I agree with Feldhahn.  Her summary is pretty accurate.  And I also believe that we see a reflection of how God expects us to respect and honor Him in that list.  God makes this quite clear throughout the Bible.

Exodus 20 presents the 10 commandments.  In it we read God's desire/expectation to be respected.  Ephesians 5:22-24, (feminists cringe at this passage), outlines God's intention for wives to respect their husbands, "Wives be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He himself being the Savior of the body.  But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything."

Do you think that since Christ is the head of the church and is to be respected and honored and then since He set husbands as the leader of the household, man's desire/need for respect started with that mandate?  Not necessarily all the sudden in Ephesians.  But at the very beginning of man?  OR at "the curse", (when sin entered the world), discussed in a previous post?

(I'd love your thoughts on that!)

“The idea of someone thinking he can’t cut it is humiliating – a feeling every man wants to avoid at all costs.”  (page 57)

This is an interesting statement and one I've been aware of for some time.  And it's a growing issue.  I've been single for 29 years.  And I've been a part of a single/unmarried group of folks since college.  There are countless men I've known that seen to avoid asking someone out because they are too afraid of the risk.  

The new thing is to hide behind lame text messages.  Nothing says to a woman, "I'm not sure you're worth the risk," like a text message pseudo-relationship.  It's taken many frustrating months since texting became so popular to figure this out.  

Maybe the guy is legitimately interested.  But only texting and not following through with a phone call and/or date sends the message he's just not that into her.  So, maybe because they want someone to believe in them so much that the fear of rejection is more compelling the opportunity to meet the woman of their dreams.  

To this I say get off the lame bus!  Life is full of risk and finding the person you will spend the rest of your life with, the woman who may have your children, the best friend that will serve the Lord along your side is completely worth the risk.

We women need to be gentle to these guys when they do step out of their comfort zone.  But I will say this, (and Dr. Phil agrees with me.  Or maybe it's I who agrees with him?  You can be the judge.), if men show a woman something worthy of respect, she will give them the respect they seek!  Women my age seem to want a man they can believe in and trust.  So in general, men are "innocent until proven guilty."  

"He who pursues righteousness and loyaly finds life, righteousness and honor." Proverbs 21:21

But men, PLEASE, avoid women at are natural pessimists and/or hyper-critical.  It would be a painful relationship and you'll feel less and less satisfied.   And this type of woman doesn't truly believe in your capabilities.  

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones." Proverbs 12:4

"It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman." Proverbs 21:9

Look for a woman that is a natural encourager.  She wants to believe in you.

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24

I'll wrap up with one more statement from Feldhahn's book:

“Let us accept this call to maturity and receive this invitation for our generation to become the strong, gentle, godly women our men need.  If we are willing to be molded by His hands, the Lord will shower us, our men, and our relationships with abundance.  That is the way He works.  He made us for each other.  He is the Author of Love.”  (page 178)

Feldhahn's statement is powerful.  I love that she equates strength, gentleness and godliness with maturity. I've heard others say the gist of this equation.  But I've not heard it put so well and so clearly!  

It doesn't say maturity in relationships is exemplified in our level of domestication or activity in the church.  It gives simple adjectives, (or "adjetevs" the way my high school english teacher pronounces it), to describe a mature woman.  And in turn we get to receive and share the blessings of being this kind of woman.  

Daily, I am reminded of how wonderful God is.  And the opportunity to learn and enjoy blessings because of the tough lessons we endure is something I don't appreciate enough.  And as He heaps grace-upon-grace in our lives, we get to share that grace with others.  It's beautiful, don't you think?  

I'm reminded of what we find in Romans 8:37, "But in all these things, (tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril or sword), we OVERWHELMINGLY conquer through Him that loved us."  

And Oswald Chambers said, "Let circumstances bring you where they will, keep drawing on the grace of God in every conceivable condition you may be in."  

I am encouraged by what these three authors know: 

The tough things we learn now and in the future will not overcome us!  So learning to love each other, to sacrifice for each other, to be more like Christ...it's all possible because of Christ.