i dug out a journal from 2006-2007 last week. in it were several journal entries and some notes from Passion 2007. one particular entry caught my attention: God's design for singleness. ben stuart of Breakaway Ministries in college station was the speaker. i remember his january 3rd talk pretty well. he's a gifted speaker, passionate about teaching and encouraging the people around him for God's glory. it was my first time to hear him speak in person. and the topic he was speaking of interested me.
so i came to the ballroom, found a spot on the movie-theater style carpet, opened my new journal and clicked my pilot G2 pen into "ready" mode. he was introduced, we clapped to welcome him and along with the college students waited in anticipation to hear what light he could shed on being single and dating.
looking back now, i notice a few things about that break-out session:
1. the large amount of students in that ballroom.
2. i was there with students at least 4 - 6 years younger than me.
3. we were taking advice from someone that is married.
4. his message presented a formula for godly singleness.
now, hear me when i say that i believe ben was there presenting what he believed God wanted him to share. i don't necessarily disagree with what he shared. and i am sure that he did it with the best of intentions. that being said, i want to explain my observations.
first, although the ballroom was huge and all the accordian partitions were pulled wide open, the room was overflowing with people! perhaps some of that session's popularity was due to ben's popularity. he is well-known as a great, godly speaker and teacher. so, some may have been there to see him in person.
however, i think the majority of attendees were there because of the topic. and so i ask: why is that? have we become a desperate group of young adults, clinging to any scrap of help we can get in the arena of singleness and dating?
out of curiosity, i looked up dating books on amazon.com. i found over 12,000 books on dating. and over 2,700 books that speak just to Christians about dating. that alone tells me, YES, indeed we are hungry for direction in that area. i know i've been fascinated by this topic for a long time. and apparently, i'm not alone.
secondly, there i was, several years older than those college students, (his intended audience), and i still hadn't mastered singleness. perhaps few really do. but it still stands out to me that i had not grown or learned much between college and finishing grad school when i comes to this topic. i have had almost 30 years of experience with it with 24 years of it as a Christian. and i'm also not alone in this.
there are hundreds upon hundreds of singles ministries across this country. they are full of folks like me. we didn't get married in or after college. so churches put us in a designated stage and hope we'll figure it out and then come back to them after we get married. but, alas, their strategy isn't fool-proof. to be fair, if we don't know what to do, how can our church? especially if most of our older generations can't identify with our longevity of singleness. but that's another topic...
Third, God has no doubt placed fantastic married couples in my life. i adore them and there would be a huge, gaping hole in my life without them. and bless-their-hearts, they mean well. but, oh boy, there should be a limit to the amount of times a person must hear certain phrases: "it'll happen when you least expect it!" "he/she just isn't ready for you yet." "i don't know how you're still single." or the round-about ways folks try to figure out if your doing something wrong. because, after all, it seemed much easier for them!
we sit under the teachings of other married folks, like ben stuart, hoping that they will share something magical that will make us ready, in the right place and the right time to meet "the one." but often times, those folks are so removed from when they were single, they have lost touch with the sensitivity of it. and their loving spirits want to help, to encourage us. and honestly, i have to watch my heart so that i don't become skeptical of their advice.
i remember a pretty funny experience with my grandma in minnesota. she is so loving and sweet. i know that her hopes and prayers for me are totally heartfelt. one summer, we came up to take her to lunch. she still livs in the city in which my dad spent his adolescent years. we ended up taking a virtual walk down memory lane. all the way back to the day my mom met my grandma. my dad had already proposed at that point. we laughed about the surprise of this announcement and how quickly God moved them toward marriage. then she asked me if i was seeing a special guy.
i replied, "well, grandma, i SEE guys all the time. they're everywhere!" she didn't think it was as funny as my parents did. so, she blurts out something that still makes me giggle, "i'm serious! i'm your grandma and i want to know!" we were laughing so hard that i was in tears. classic grandma damon. but her reaction is not unlike those of other married folks. it's hard to understand folks who don't get married as young as they used to.
lastly, i never was much for mathematics. it is the area in which i am least proficient. so, when people try to reduce God's divine plan for our lives to some sort of formula, it bugs me. at first i was attracted to that line of teaching because i am a problem solver. but now, i don't see how God has to fit into our man-made formulas. i have lived enough to know that we cannot know what today will bring.
proverbs 19:21 says, "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (NIV) and proverbs 16:9, "in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (NIV)
you see, i know planning and organization are of the Lord. but we cannot manipulate God. He has a perfect will for us. so then, how can we just take "3 steps to surviving singleness"? did Christ present any formula beyond believe in Him and receive the Holy Spirit? i know we want direction. but like other areas in life, man-made formulas for navigating life without a spouse aren't universal.
for instance, i have been in a position to look for jobs many, many times. and i know that there are countless strategies for it. one person may offer one kind of advice. and another person could refute it and offer something different. but i am convinced that our best attempts to control our circumstances can and will be thwarted at any time.
so, here i am. i cannot be so mindful of the advice of others that i barely hear what God has to say about it. that goes for looking for work, missions, how to lead my specific village, and how to love others. formulas don't work well for me. i appreciate and will often create plans for living. however, God is in control and He prefers to be creative in our lives. i will not shy away from His fantastic creativity...even when it breaks my heart. He is God. I am not.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
caffeinated memories
oh, coffee shops, how i love you. i could count the many reasons...but my favorite is that it's where many of my most memorable moments have taken place. for some reason, over a steamy, (or icey), cup of deliciousness people share life on a deeper level.
when i moved to texas, i began frequenting one particular Starbucks that has longer hours. and for the past 7 years, i've had many remarkable conversations here. in fact, i can look at individual tables around the space, scan through my rolodex of memories, and call to mind certain situations that influence who i am today.
as i sit here now, at one of my favorite tables, (near an outlet of course), i see one table where i was first inspired to write about relationships. in anger and frustration, i sat there pounding away at the keys of my laptop as if the heavier pressure would convey my tone more clearly to the readers...
or another table where i sat with tears in my eyes sharing my first experience with unemployment with who would become my roommate. i love the various tables where i labored for days working on book reports and class projects for grad school. they remind me of God's provision during four tough yet wonderful years.
then there's the table where i composed a 60th wedding anniversary video for my grandparents. i remember sitting there with eyes about to burst with huge droplets while wondering at how God had blessed our whole family with their faithfulness.
there's another table where a man i hoped i would marry told me that he wished there were more women like me. or three years later at another table where the same person asked me point-blank if he was one of those guys that played the buddy system in seminary.
it's extraordinary the connection i feel to this place. it's just another Starbucks. same tile floor, same wood tables, same fragrance of espresso in the air. i've come to know and love the baristas at this location. so that is different. but if not for the many influencial memories here, i probably wouldn't feel so attached to it. there's a fondness growing even now as i sit here recalling all those emotions.
and it's all these memories that have led to a burden over the past several months. it grew very strong in the last six weeks or so. then one night, talking to my sister on the phone, i asked her a question: "do you think that if people have a desire that God did not give them, He will remove it if we ask Him to?"
i already had my own answer to that. and she spoke it as if in agreement with my unspoken answer, "yes. i do. He wants us to have His desires. He works in us to change our hearts to want what He wants." so that led to a new prayer in my heart. i pray it daily.
(if you've read any of my previous blog entries, you should know by now that i try to be open and honest about where i'm at with God; in my struggles and joys. in an effort to do that even more, i'm about to get even more transparent.)
in order to hand my heaviest burden over to God, i began to pray this: if He has not given me the desire to be married, that He would take it away. i want to be free of it and be more focused on what He has in store for me. it has been infiltrating my thoughts throughout the day and storming my dreams at night.
thankfully, this new prayer has been stilling my heart. it's not like the desire is gone. nor do i feel as though God has called me to a life of singleness...not yet at least. but it has helped clear my vision. the Holy Spirit seems to grab hold of day dreams before they start and guard my heart when i watch romantic movies or listen to lovey-dovey music.
so right now in this special coffee shop with so many caffeinated memories, i am at peace. i don't feel sad that things didn't work out with that guy from years ago. and i don't regret having those experiences. i am thankful that God is faithful to refine our hearts when we ask His help. (and even when we don't!)
1 peter 5:6-11
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After your have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.
when i moved to texas, i began frequenting one particular Starbucks that has longer hours. and for the past 7 years, i've had many remarkable conversations here. in fact, i can look at individual tables around the space, scan through my rolodex of memories, and call to mind certain situations that influence who i am today.
as i sit here now, at one of my favorite tables, (near an outlet of course), i see one table where i was first inspired to write about relationships. in anger and frustration, i sat there pounding away at the keys of my laptop as if the heavier pressure would convey my tone more clearly to the readers...
or another table where i sat with tears in my eyes sharing my first experience with unemployment with who would become my roommate. i love the various tables where i labored for days working on book reports and class projects for grad school. they remind me of God's provision during four tough yet wonderful years.
then there's the table where i composed a 60th wedding anniversary video for my grandparents. i remember sitting there with eyes about to burst with huge droplets while wondering at how God had blessed our whole family with their faithfulness.
there's another table where a man i hoped i would marry told me that he wished there were more women like me. or three years later at another table where the same person asked me point-blank if he was one of those guys that played the buddy system in seminary.
it's extraordinary the connection i feel to this place. it's just another Starbucks. same tile floor, same wood tables, same fragrance of espresso in the air. i've come to know and love the baristas at this location. so that is different. but if not for the many influencial memories here, i probably wouldn't feel so attached to it. there's a fondness growing even now as i sit here recalling all those emotions.
and it's all these memories that have led to a burden over the past several months. it grew very strong in the last six weeks or so. then one night, talking to my sister on the phone, i asked her a question: "do you think that if people have a desire that God did not give them, He will remove it if we ask Him to?"
i already had my own answer to that. and she spoke it as if in agreement with my unspoken answer, "yes. i do. He wants us to have His desires. He works in us to change our hearts to want what He wants." so that led to a new prayer in my heart. i pray it daily.
(if you've read any of my previous blog entries, you should know by now that i try to be open and honest about where i'm at with God; in my struggles and joys. in an effort to do that even more, i'm about to get even more transparent.)
in order to hand my heaviest burden over to God, i began to pray this: if He has not given me the desire to be married, that He would take it away. i want to be free of it and be more focused on what He has in store for me. it has been infiltrating my thoughts throughout the day and storming my dreams at night.
thankfully, this new prayer has been stilling my heart. it's not like the desire is gone. nor do i feel as though God has called me to a life of singleness...not yet at least. but it has helped clear my vision. the Holy Spirit seems to grab hold of day dreams before they start and guard my heart when i watch romantic movies or listen to lovey-dovey music.
so right now in this special coffee shop with so many caffeinated memories, i am at peace. i don't feel sad that things didn't work out with that guy from years ago. and i don't regret having those experiences. i am thankful that God is faithful to refine our hearts when we ask His help. (and even when we don't!)
1 peter 5:6-11
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After your have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
to pay or not to pay?
there is a struggle that i know most people have either witnessed or experienced. i venture to say it happens so often that waiters and baristas around the world just role their eyes at the all-too-familiar exchange. when a man and woman, not yet a couple, arrives at the point where it's time to pay for their coffee, meal, mini-golf round, etc, an awkward moment also enters the scene.
here's one of the scenarios. a man and a woman approach a barista at Starbucks. the woman places her order, "i'll have a tall skinny caramel macchiato, please." (he lets her go first, like a good gentleman.)
then the awkward moment presents itself. her hand is in her purse, pulling out her wallet preparing to pay. he notices her movement and then offers, "no, i've got it!"
then the, "oh, are you sure? you don't have to..." and then his response, "um, no, it's okay. let me." (as if the time together wasn't nerve-racking enough...)
it's tough. some men get insulted when the woman doesn't ignore her manners and just let him pay. it's almost emasculating. she can be sweetly thankful with one simple, "thank you!" and then let it go. he's the leader and wants to feel more like the strong man he is. (i've got some input from "for women only" that i plan to add ASAP.)
but then, some men get turned off when a woman doesn't at least offer. that if she expects him to pay and they aren't even dating, what else does she expect of him? is she the princess type with a sense of entitlement?
one school of thought, (using this term lightly), argues that this shouldn't even be an issue; that whether you're dating that someone or just friends, the man should pay. he has the pleasure of her company and he should reflect his gratefulness by offering to cover the costs.
but then there's the other side that says, if the two are just hanging out, (i'll explain what i gather "hanging out" to mean later), why should he pay? it's a platonic situation. and sometimes it's the female that initiated meeting up. that should mean that he doesn't have to pay, right?
what do you think? where do you stand? what do you think the Bible say about situations like this? i know it may seem trivial to apply such depth to such a seemingly minor situation. but i would regret not connecting it all back to what God says about relationships.
here's one of the scenarios. a man and a woman approach a barista at Starbucks. the woman places her order, "i'll have a tall skinny caramel macchiato, please." (he lets her go first, like a good gentleman.)
then the awkward moment presents itself. her hand is in her purse, pulling out her wallet preparing to pay. he notices her movement and then offers, "no, i've got it!"
then the, "oh, are you sure? you don't have to..." and then his response, "um, no, it's okay. let me." (as if the time together wasn't nerve-racking enough...)
it's tough. some men get insulted when the woman doesn't ignore her manners and just let him pay. it's almost emasculating. she can be sweetly thankful with one simple, "thank you!" and then let it go. he's the leader and wants to feel more like the strong man he is. (i've got some input from "for women only" that i plan to add ASAP.)
but then, some men get turned off when a woman doesn't at least offer. that if she expects him to pay and they aren't even dating, what else does she expect of him? is she the princess type with a sense of entitlement?
one school of thought, (using this term lightly), argues that this shouldn't even be an issue; that whether you're dating that someone or just friends, the man should pay. he has the pleasure of her company and he should reflect his gratefulness by offering to cover the costs.
but then there's the other side that says, if the two are just hanging out, (i'll explain what i gather "hanging out" to mean later), why should he pay? it's a platonic situation. and sometimes it's the female that initiated meeting up. that should mean that he doesn't have to pay, right?
what do you think? where do you stand? what do you think the Bible say about situations like this? i know it may seem trivial to apply such depth to such a seemingly minor situation. but i would regret not connecting it all back to what God says about relationships.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
dependence
where do you go when trouble invades your day? do you call your parents, your best friend, boyfriend or girlfriend? or do you go straight to God?
i have to be honest and say that my pattern has been that i go to a human first and then cry out to God. i suppose there are a few different reasons for this.
but it's not that i don't trust God to help and guide me through life's hardships. i think this is because a human is visible/audible and can provide instant relief. whereas my Father in heaven seems so far away. i've never actually seen Him and i've never heard His voice... outloud at least. (i'm jealous of my hero's in the Bible that have heard Him speak directly to them.)
and then as a single girl, i long for a man to be there in both the awesome and the tough stuff with me. i imagine that with him simply being there, a great deal of comfort will come. because it's difficult as a single woman to ask for help. especially when we need help moving, our cars break-down or we get sick. but if we had a committed man in our lives, we wouldn't have to worry about the awkward, "i could use your help..." conversations. single women just don't know how it will be received. will he say yes out of obligation? or will he assume that we are into them?
i think about how God created us to be relational beings and that He wants us to be in relationship with others around us. in theory, the desire i have to walk through life with a man of my own is a good thing. but then there is the comment i hear from my married friends...
many of them say that even in marriage, man and wife often feel lonely. well, that's a bummer, isn't it? if that's true, what's the point of marriage? why do it if it doesn't change anything? surely, there must be other redeeming qualities. (don't get me wrong, i know there are many benefits to marriage.)
but it's hard to understand that part of marriage when my single friends and i look forward to knowing that our spouses will be there for us and with us until we leave this crazy world. so then what happens when we fail each other? what then?
then, we are forced to rely upon the best, most trustworthy person in our lives: God.
a question my church asks itself each time we meet in our villages or for all church gatherings is: how does "this" (whatever the topic may be) look in our lives? so i ask you: how do we live as though we depend on God first and foremost and the blessing of supportive human relationships is secondary?
Oswald Chambers, (my favorite to-the-point Christian writer), says, "Drink deep and full of the love of God and you will not demand the impossible of earth's loves; then the love of wife and child, of husband and friend, will grow holier and healthier and simpler and grander."
oh boy, do i wish that i lived this out well. i think at times i idolize relationship; that i desire relationship with mankind above a deeper relationship with God. i notice the times it has become an idol when i hit hardship and the first person i call is my dad or something. instead of taking a minute to call out to God for His help and comfort.
i saw evidence of this monday when i was let go from my job. instead of first bowing my head to talk to Him , (the ultimate comforter), i called my family...and got voicemails. that was a signal that God wanted to hear from me first. and it is humbling.
even though our family, significant others, and friends are huge blessings, God wants to be more involved than we realize. it's astounding how much He loves us. all of life is orchestrated by Him and we are made for "such a time as this."
we should grasp tightly - with both hands - to His love until our knuckles turn white. and that means going to him first with our fears and concerns...all our dependence on our Creator. not on someone He created.
i have to be honest and say that my pattern has been that i go to a human first and then cry out to God. i suppose there are a few different reasons for this.
but it's not that i don't trust God to help and guide me through life's hardships. i think this is because a human is visible/audible and can provide instant relief. whereas my Father in heaven seems so far away. i've never actually seen Him and i've never heard His voice... outloud at least. (i'm jealous of my hero's in the Bible that have heard Him speak directly to them.)
and then as a single girl, i long for a man to be there in both the awesome and the tough stuff with me. i imagine that with him simply being there, a great deal of comfort will come. because it's difficult as a single woman to ask for help. especially when we need help moving, our cars break-down or we get sick. but if we had a committed man in our lives, we wouldn't have to worry about the awkward, "i could use your help..." conversations. single women just don't know how it will be received. will he say yes out of obligation? or will he assume that we are into them?
i think about how God created us to be relational beings and that He wants us to be in relationship with others around us. in theory, the desire i have to walk through life with a man of my own is a good thing. but then there is the comment i hear from my married friends...
many of them say that even in marriage, man and wife often feel lonely. well, that's a bummer, isn't it? if that's true, what's the point of marriage? why do it if it doesn't change anything? surely, there must be other redeeming qualities. (don't get me wrong, i know there are many benefits to marriage.)
but it's hard to understand that part of marriage when my single friends and i look forward to knowing that our spouses will be there for us and with us until we leave this crazy world. so then what happens when we fail each other? what then?
then, we are forced to rely upon the best, most trustworthy person in our lives: God.
a question my church asks itself each time we meet in our villages or for all church gatherings is: how does "this" (whatever the topic may be) look in our lives? so i ask you: how do we live as though we depend on God first and foremost and the blessing of supportive human relationships is secondary?
Oswald Chambers, (my favorite to-the-point Christian writer), says, "Drink deep and full of the love of God and you will not demand the impossible of earth's loves; then the love of wife and child, of husband and friend, will grow holier and healthier and simpler and grander."
oh boy, do i wish that i lived this out well. i think at times i idolize relationship; that i desire relationship with mankind above a deeper relationship with God. i notice the times it has become an idol when i hit hardship and the first person i call is my dad or something. instead of taking a minute to call out to God for His help and comfort.
i saw evidence of this monday when i was let go from my job. instead of first bowing my head to talk to Him , (the ultimate comforter), i called my family...and got voicemails. that was a signal that God wanted to hear from me first. and it is humbling.
even though our family, significant others, and friends are huge blessings, God wants to be more involved than we realize. it's astounding how much He loves us. all of life is orchestrated by Him and we are made for "such a time as this."
we should grasp tightly - with both hands - to His love until our knuckles turn white. and that means going to him first with our fears and concerns...all our dependence on our Creator. not on someone He created.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
insecurity is ugly
it seems that the Lord wants me to discuss insecurity. it's an ugly subject. and at first, i fought it. but He kept putting it in front of me. whether it was in random conversations or via my least favorite avenue - personal experience.
i admit that i have insecurities just like anyone else. they have affected many relationships. whether i was comparing myself to my superstar sister as we grew up or dealing with the rejection from a boy i like. whatever way insecurity manifests itself in my life, it's damages may last for years if i don't address each one.
but for the purposes of this blog, let's talk about how insecurity affects dating relationships and coed friendships.
i've been reading donald miller's new book, "father fiction." it's a good read and i'd recommend it to anyone without a dad in their life; whether he wasn't present physically or emotionally. there's one chapter about dating and choosing your spouse. i appreciate how he floats between humor and harsh reality. one thing he says struck me: "People are insecure already, so they don't want you to be insecure." (page 124)
do you agree? i do. that's hard to say. but it's true. for women, (thanks for disney and all those princess fairytales), we are raised to look for a strong, confident man. one that will swoop in to our rescue when we need him. now, we should not expect him to look and act like prince charming. nor would we honestly want that. in fact, i think he would be the most boring boyfriend EVER. but the general idea is true.
in our spiritual DNA, we have a need to be rescued/redeemed from this this lost world. that's why God gave us Jesus. but it also translates into our personal relationships. so, when we have a hard day at work, our pets are sick, or our family is driving us nuts, we want a man that will be supportive and try to come to our rescue. so, if he doesn't believe he has what it takes to do that, how can we believe it, too?
i know that God uses relationship to reveal truth in our lives. and in many cases, our boyfriends and girlfriends get to speak encouraging truth into our lives. sometimes they have to believe we are capable of more and they have to help us see it for ourselves. i love that. but if the groundwork hasn't been laid in some capacity, it's a relationship either bound for failure or for mediocrity. and who wants that?
for men, they want women that carry themselves with confidence and don't talk poorly about themselves. have you seen that commercial for a one of the online dating websites where the poor guy sits through several different awful first dates? my favorite is the one where the girl blurts out, "there are like so many things about me that i. just. don't. like." ugh! what in the world?!?!?! it's funny because it's so close to reality.
guys, do you sometimes look a woman and think, she's so pretty, too bad she doesn't think so. or that girl has so much going for her, why does she settle for so little? that has to be so frustrating. as if she's sabotaging any new relationship because she thinks it's doomed to fail. because sooner or later, he'll discover she's not worth the trouble.
lies. all lies. and we listen to them over and over again.
i am so excited to read beth moore's new book, so long insecurity; you've been a bad friend to us. it speaks to the heart of women. but i bet men would receive a lot of insight into the inner workings of the female gender. i'd recommend just picking it up and thumbing through it at barnes and noble some time. sure, pretend you're looking at the writings of st. augustine or something...
here's what i'd like to hear from you: how has insecurity affected your dating relationships? have you avoiding asking someone out because you think you don't deserve her? have you pushed someone away before they had a chance to reject you?
how do you deal with it? what has the Lord taught you through it?
my insecurities led me to think about writing. so, i am thankful for realizing my faulty thinking. but i would be lying if i said i always handle the lies of the enemy the best way. he trips me up frequently. but the Lord has refuted each one. here's a little taste of God's truth about who you are:
- you have been bought with a price, therefore valuable (1 cor 6:20, 7:23)
- our Creator is FOR you (ps 118: 6-7)
- we are beautiful (ps 45:10, 13a)
- we were personally designed by Him (ps 139:13)
- we are free from guilt (john 3:16-18)
and if the one and only person that matters says stuff like this...doesn't that build you up as worthy of healthy relationship with others?
now, i'm not saying you can do whatever you want because of our assurances in Christ. what i'm saying is that listening to the enemy's lies will disrupt your relationships. we all have things we need to work on. and we should always seek the Lord's help to work through them for His glory. but if you wait until you're perfect to enter into a dating relationship...you may never get married!
with all our faults, with all our imperfections...somehow the Lord brings His children together in marriage every day. that's the hope i have to cling to!
i admit that i have insecurities just like anyone else. they have affected many relationships. whether i was comparing myself to my superstar sister as we grew up or dealing with the rejection from a boy i like. whatever way insecurity manifests itself in my life, it's damages may last for years if i don't address each one.
but for the purposes of this blog, let's talk about how insecurity affects dating relationships and coed friendships.
i've been reading donald miller's new book, "father fiction." it's a good read and i'd recommend it to anyone without a dad in their life; whether he wasn't present physically or emotionally. there's one chapter about dating and choosing your spouse. i appreciate how he floats between humor and harsh reality. one thing he says struck me: "People are insecure already, so they don't want you to be insecure." (page 124)
do you agree? i do. that's hard to say. but it's true. for women, (thanks for disney and all those princess fairytales), we are raised to look for a strong, confident man. one that will swoop in to our rescue when we need him. now, we should not expect him to look and act like prince charming. nor would we honestly want that. in fact, i think he would be the most boring boyfriend EVER. but the general idea is true.
in our spiritual DNA, we have a need to be rescued/redeemed from this this lost world. that's why God gave us Jesus. but it also translates into our personal relationships. so, when we have a hard day at work, our pets are sick, or our family is driving us nuts, we want a man that will be supportive and try to come to our rescue. so, if he doesn't believe he has what it takes to do that, how can we believe it, too?
i know that God uses relationship to reveal truth in our lives. and in many cases, our boyfriends and girlfriends get to speak encouraging truth into our lives. sometimes they have to believe we are capable of more and they have to help us see it for ourselves. i love that. but if the groundwork hasn't been laid in some capacity, it's a relationship either bound for failure or for mediocrity. and who wants that?
for men, they want women that carry themselves with confidence and don't talk poorly about themselves. have you seen that commercial for a one of the online dating websites where the poor guy sits through several different awful first dates? my favorite is the one where the girl blurts out, "there are like so many things about me that i. just. don't. like." ugh! what in the world?!?!?! it's funny because it's so close to reality.
guys, do you sometimes look a woman and think, she's so pretty, too bad she doesn't think so. or that girl has so much going for her, why does she settle for so little? that has to be so frustrating. as if she's sabotaging any new relationship because she thinks it's doomed to fail. because sooner or later, he'll discover she's not worth the trouble.
lies. all lies. and we listen to them over and over again.
i am so excited to read beth moore's new book, so long insecurity; you've been a bad friend to us. it speaks to the heart of women. but i bet men would receive a lot of insight into the inner workings of the female gender. i'd recommend just picking it up and thumbing through it at barnes and noble some time. sure, pretend you're looking at the writings of st. augustine or something...
here's what i'd like to hear from you: how has insecurity affected your dating relationships? have you avoiding asking someone out because you think you don't deserve her? have you pushed someone away before they had a chance to reject you?
how do you deal with it? what has the Lord taught you through it?
my insecurities led me to think about writing. so, i am thankful for realizing my faulty thinking. but i would be lying if i said i always handle the lies of the enemy the best way. he trips me up frequently. but the Lord has refuted each one. here's a little taste of God's truth about who you are:
- you have been bought with a price, therefore valuable (1 cor 6:20, 7:23)
- our Creator is FOR you (ps 118: 6-7)
- we are beautiful (ps 45:10, 13a)
- we were personally designed by Him (ps 139:13)
- we are free from guilt (john 3:16-18)
and if the one and only person that matters says stuff like this...doesn't that build you up as worthy of healthy relationship with others?
now, i'm not saying you can do whatever you want because of our assurances in Christ. what i'm saying is that listening to the enemy's lies will disrupt your relationships. we all have things we need to work on. and we should always seek the Lord's help to work through them for His glory. but if you wait until you're perfect to enter into a dating relationship...you may never get married!
with all our faults, with all our imperfections...somehow the Lord brings His children together in marriage every day. that's the hope i have to cling to!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
independence: friend or foe?
a friend sent me a message on facebook that sparked thought about independence. she said the following:
"I remember reading a list from a book on your blog and one of the things mentioned money and men feeling the need to be the provider. I found that being independent made most guys feel uncomfortable and also caused them to not want to "do" anything "for" me, but with an attitude. As if they were silently saying, oh you can handle everything on your own, you don't need me. Me and another independent girlfriend both had this issue and starting talking about being independent by choice and by default..."
that got me thinking...is independence admirable or undesirable? does it have to be one or the other? since then i've asked this question of a few close folks in my life.
the single women i asked said that they agree with my friend's statement. they have felt penalized for trying to get and keep their lives in order. we've seen women who have the damsel-in-distress personality find love. but it seems like many more responsible women get overlooked or ignored because to some men, it looks like they don't need a man in their lives. but do women that are clearly in need of men in their lives really get more attention?
let me break this down for the men, (and women that don't identify).
the longer a woman stays single, the more responsibility she must take on. paying her bills, buying a car, (in my case, replacing a car after a stripper hits it on her way home from work at 3 am), getting a pet, buying a home, taking vacations, caring for sick parents and grandparents, planning for retirement, investing...the list goes on and on. that kind of woman has to daily balance work and who-knows-what-else. that means she's got a system and must maintain it so that her whole world doesn't fall apart.
you see, it's not that she doesn't need a companion in her life. it's just that no one has asked or taken the opportunity to figure that out.
women can't just say that when she first meets a man. could you imagine the fear it would strike in the heart of a dude if she were to say, "hey, nice to meet you. just so you know, i'm a highly organized hard-worker who has a lot on her plate. i'd love it if you would step in and be the man i've been waiting for so that i don't have to do all this on my own. i do need you, (or someone like you), to be a part of my organized chaos. when can you start?"
that, along with, "how many kids do you want?" "what's your stance on premarital sex?" "what's your relationship with your mom and dad like?" are highly inappropriate for first dates, right?
so how does a woman communicate that to someone when some guys make assumptions and never give her a chance?
a single male friend offered his opinion, too. he said that a responsible woman isn't a turn-off. but a controlling one is. yes. i definitely agree there. if, (once in a relationship), the chica cannot let her boyfriend serve her and lead them in the relationship, then that is a huge problem and stems back with submission. (yes, that dirty, ugly word that feminists want banned from the dictionary. but stay with me. the biblical definition of submission is not a woman that plays the doormat or doily-wearing church mouse.) a woman that cannot allow her man to lead the relationship needs to deal with that.
a married female friend said that some men in relationships take that independence for granted and let their woman do it all because he knows she can. that is a lazy man that should be avoided! in my opinion, that relationship will never be as fulfilling as it could be. in fact, i venture to say that it barely resembles the church and our relationship with God.
but i digress...
a married male friend said that it's a sign of immaturity if a guy doesn't pursue a woman he likes just because it looks like he doesn't have anything to offer her...that she's got "it" all together. he said that when he met his wife, he appreciated that she could take care of things if he weren't around all the time but would miss him while he was gone. is that true for most men? is that the kind of women mature men look for?
here's where i need your input: what do you think of independence in single women? do you identify with the i-get-ignored feelings? do you think all this is an excuse/cop-out controlling women use to make themselves feel better? is independence a turn-off for single men?
"I remember reading a list from a book on your blog and one of the things mentioned money and men feeling the need to be the provider. I found that being independent made most guys feel uncomfortable and also caused them to not want to "do" anything "for" me, but with an attitude. As if they were silently saying, oh you can handle everything on your own, you don't need me. Me and another independent girlfriend both had this issue and starting talking about being independent by choice and by default..."
that got me thinking...is independence admirable or undesirable? does it have to be one or the other? since then i've asked this question of a few close folks in my life.
the single women i asked said that they agree with my friend's statement. they have felt penalized for trying to get and keep their lives in order. we've seen women who have the damsel-in-distress personality find love. but it seems like many more responsible women get overlooked or ignored because to some men, it looks like they don't need a man in their lives. but do women that are clearly in need of men in their lives really get more attention?
let me break this down for the men, (and women that don't identify).
the longer a woman stays single, the more responsibility she must take on. paying her bills, buying a car, (in my case, replacing a car after a stripper hits it on her way home from work at 3 am), getting a pet, buying a home, taking vacations, caring for sick parents and grandparents, planning for retirement, investing...the list goes on and on. that kind of woman has to daily balance work and who-knows-what-else. that means she's got a system and must maintain it so that her whole world doesn't fall apart.
you see, it's not that she doesn't need a companion in her life. it's just that no one has asked or taken the opportunity to figure that out.
women can't just say that when she first meets a man. could you imagine the fear it would strike in the heart of a dude if she were to say, "hey, nice to meet you. just so you know, i'm a highly organized hard-worker who has a lot on her plate. i'd love it if you would step in and be the man i've been waiting for so that i don't have to do all this on my own. i do need you, (or someone like you), to be a part of my organized chaos. when can you start?"
that, along with, "how many kids do you want?" "what's your stance on premarital sex?" "what's your relationship with your mom and dad like?" are highly inappropriate for first dates, right?
so how does a woman communicate that to someone when some guys make assumptions and never give her a chance?
a single male friend offered his opinion, too. he said that a responsible woman isn't a turn-off. but a controlling one is. yes. i definitely agree there. if, (once in a relationship), the chica cannot let her boyfriend serve her and lead them in the relationship, then that is a huge problem and stems back with submission. (yes, that dirty, ugly word that feminists want banned from the dictionary. but stay with me. the biblical definition of submission is not a woman that plays the doormat or doily-wearing church mouse.) a woman that cannot allow her man to lead the relationship needs to deal with that.
a married female friend said that some men in relationships take that independence for granted and let their woman do it all because he knows she can. that is a lazy man that should be avoided! in my opinion, that relationship will never be as fulfilling as it could be. in fact, i venture to say that it barely resembles the church and our relationship with God.
but i digress...
a married male friend said that it's a sign of immaturity if a guy doesn't pursue a woman he likes just because it looks like he doesn't have anything to offer her...that she's got "it" all together. he said that when he met his wife, he appreciated that she could take care of things if he weren't around all the time but would miss him while he was gone. is that true for most men? is that the kind of women mature men look for?
here's where i need your input: what do you think of independence in single women? do you identify with the i-get-ignored feelings? do you think all this is an excuse/cop-out controlling women use to make themselves feel better? is independence a turn-off for single men?
Monday, March 22, 2010
perspective
In case you didn't know this, I sell homes for a home builder. Even though my title is a sales counselor. I believe the biggest part of my job is the latter part of the title: counselor. And that means listening A LOT. Granted, buying a home is a big deal and it's even bigger when you're building it. So it's understandable to need someone to walk with folks through the process and help keep them calm.
Many times, I am, (whether consciously or unconsciously), invited into the lives of my homeowners. I get to hear about their families, play with their kids, talk about spiritual things, and listen when they are stressed out about different parts of their lives and how it affects their feelings toward their new home.
Today was no different. There is a very sweet woman building a home with us. This home means a lot to her and you could say it's purchase is bitter sweet. You see, she is a widow. Her husband was killed maliciously in an armed robbery...executioner style. Imagine the horror if you were her. To hear that news...I hope I never know what that feels like.
But what was special about today's visit to the model home was her thoughtful words to me. Despite her nervousness about building a home and doing it all alone, she says, "I am praying for you to find the right man. I had a date this weekend and I know how hard it is out there. And I just really think you deserve someone special."
She had just said, (with tears in her eyes), that this home is the home she and her husband had planned to buy together. It made me cry, too! But in the midst of her grief and stress of moving twice and building a home, she is considerate of me. It humbled me. Her genuine words of encouragement meant so much to me right now.
This is because I've wrapped up my online dating experience. It taught me a lot about what I want and who I am. And I'm glad I did it. But I also know that it's time to end that experience. I am exactly where I need to be: the right job, the right church, the right city. And I believe that God doesn't need me to be in a huge church to "increase my odds." Rather, He needs me to be obedient for His kingdom. And all the other things will be added to it when it's time.
Because I am in the right job today, this sweet woman encouraged me in a way none of my other homeowners could have because of her specific life situation. I don't think I'll ever forget that.
Many times, I am, (whether consciously or unconsciously), invited into the lives of my homeowners. I get to hear about their families, play with their kids, talk about spiritual things, and listen when they are stressed out about different parts of their lives and how it affects their feelings toward their new home.
Today was no different. There is a very sweet woman building a home with us. This home means a lot to her and you could say it's purchase is bitter sweet. You see, she is a widow. Her husband was killed maliciously in an armed robbery...executioner style. Imagine the horror if you were her. To hear that news...I hope I never know what that feels like.
But what was special about today's visit to the model home was her thoughtful words to me. Despite her nervousness about building a home and doing it all alone, she says, "I am praying for you to find the right man. I had a date this weekend and I know how hard it is out there. And I just really think you deserve someone special."
She had just said, (with tears in her eyes), that this home is the home she and her husband had planned to buy together. It made me cry, too! But in the midst of her grief and stress of moving twice and building a home, she is considerate of me. It humbled me. Her genuine words of encouragement meant so much to me right now.
This is because I've wrapped up my online dating experience. It taught me a lot about what I want and who I am. And I'm glad I did it. But I also know that it's time to end that experience. I am exactly where I need to be: the right job, the right church, the right city. And I believe that God doesn't need me to be in a huge church to "increase my odds." Rather, He needs me to be obedient for His kingdom. And all the other things will be added to it when it's time.
Because I am in the right job today, this sweet woman encouraged me in a way none of my other homeowners could have because of her specific life situation. I don't think I'll ever forget that.
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