2011: the year of the nomad

it's been over seven months since my last post.  most of it has to do with lack of inspiration.  but as another year comes to a close, i'm finally inspired. 

the past few weeks have been confusing and challenging...just as the entirety of 2011.  it's normal for a person to reflect on the past year as a new one approaches.  personally, i contemplate important events; how they affect me and my relationship with God.  and i also think about how those events affected relationships with people i care about. 

i believe the overwhelming theme for 2011 is one word: nomad. 

dictionaries define nomad as:

1. A member of a group of people who have no fixed home and move according to the seasons from place to place in search of food, water, and grazing land.

2. A person with no fixed residence who roams about; a wanderer.

 

this definitely defines me.  i say this with both humor and honesty.  i lived in four different places this year.  i was an independent contractor for three different employers and held one "steady" job at starbucks most of the year.  the post office has probably lost track of me completely!

i've felt very disjointed and lost for so long.  this wandering is exhausting.  and humbling.  anyone who knows me well knows that home-making is therapeutic and fun for me.  therefor, not having a home of my own robs me of that joy.  and taking work just to pay the bills, (barely making enough to do even that), is less than fulfilling. 

so, how do i recognize God's goodness and faithfulness in all this?

most of those moves were really painful and difficult.  but i cannot make light of my friends, the Dores, who allowed me to take-over their guest room for two months.  this was a real gift.  and my parents have provided two rooms in their new home for me and my pesky cat, Shorty.  also acting in loving generosity.  

 

and working in four different environments did something special, too.  i met people in each situation that i will always regard as blessings in my life.  even if working together was short-lived.  

i really want to put down roots somewhere.  but i never counted on tulsa being that place.  and, honestly, i still hope it isn't a long-term home for me.  but saying yes to God is not conditional.  that's not obedience. 

so with each move, either in employment or where i slept, i did my best to follow God's leading.  some people disagreed with my choices.  they just couldn't understand what i was doing.  one of the hardest things was not putting my trust in them but God in all of it.  it sounds a little trite, but i'm sure satan did his best to use those situations to try and ruin relationships with my spiritual family.  

what i've learned as a nomad is that i must follow Him and Him alone.  even when loved ones believe they know what's best for me.  job's friends thoroughly believed that his crappy new existence was the result of sin.  and job asked God many, many questions.  but God did not allow that pain and hardship into job's life because he was a worse sinner than others.  no, God allowed job to endure for His glory.  and then, by His grace, was restored.

 

it's been scarey and lonely.  but i can also draw encouragement from the disciples.  none of them had comfortable lifestyles after they met Jesus.  completely the opposite.  many of them spent the rest of their lives moving from place to place or in prison.  yet, they finished their races with encouragement from other followers of Christ.  and their lives are immortalized in the Bible forever giving hope to the rest of us.

so i still wait EAGERLY for His restoration in my life.  i really hope i'm on the brink of something wonderful; something that i can rejoice in.  but until then, i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is so good and faithful.  He has never left me in any of this.  

 

i love one of job's responses to Him, "I know that You can do all things and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted."  (42:2)  and then confessed God's greatness and power with a spirit of repentance.  i must hold tight to this; behave in that manner. 

yes, for me, 2011 is the year of the nomad.  and what if that's the life He has in store for me always?  until He takes me up to my real home with Him.  until that day i know i'll always be discontent with what earth has to offer.  my heart was created to desire Him.  

i suppose it's fitting that my last name, damon, is "nomad" spelled backwards.  funny how that happened. 

3rd grade bucket list

just when i think i posses ALL of my childhood things after my parents have gotten tired of moving them...they find two more boxes for me.  one box was my barbie dining table with reversible seat cushions, my remote controlled barbie rolls-royce convertible, fisher price cooktop w/ pots and pans, and our much used fisher price cash register.

the other box was full of report cards, old projects and baby books.  it's funny how telling those items are of who we were to become later in life.  one of my favorites was a post-it we found stuck to a my sister's essay.  it gave instructions to my dad for where it was to be filed.  many, many years later, my dad and sister work together and she's still telling him where to file things.  

and then, as i paged through all those years of grades, homemade cards for my parents, and first essays, i found what appears to be my 3rd grade bucket list.  here it is:

1. finish elementary school - done
2. make lots of friends - can you ever have too many friends?
3. go to jr. high and then to high school at park high - went to jr. high...but not high school at park
4. graduate from high school - done
5. go to college and then get a good career - did the college thing...not sure yet about "career"
6. get married - that's still up to God
7. have a family - (see number 6)
8. make lots of money - now i say "enough to live on"
9. live in a big house and had a swimming pool - we had a pool when i was in jr. high and high school
10. own 2 rolls-royce convertibles - does my barbie one count?
11. be famous - just not INfamous
12. get great grades in school (from now to college) - i think i did pretty well
13. own a speed boat - my uncle had one.  that's where that came from
14. be successful - depends on the definition
15. meet the minnesota twins - not yet...RIP kirby pucket!
16. go to paris, france - someday
17. meet jerry seinfeld - saw him perform live
18. find the cure for diabetes and alzheimers disease - not yet
19. be a scientist - no, thank you.
20. be valedictorian in high school - nope.  my class was very competitive
21. meet the president - i have a picture of me and a cardboard cut-out of president ronald reagan
22. be tall - NOPE.
23. invent something to make people invisible - still working on this
24. be on TV - three times, actually
25. go to australia - amazingly...YES!

it's funny how some desires from childhood have changed and some haven't.  but either way, it is good to revisit old goals and aspirations when trying to figure out God's plan for your life.  what i seek at this point in my life may be a bit foggy right now.  but i know there are dreams deep down in my heart that started in childhood, waiting to reemerge and remind me who i am and how God has designed me.

but for now, i'm not sure that having TWO rolls-royce convertibles is necessary.  i'll just settle for my remote-controlled version.  it has great gas mileage and it's paid off.

what i learned in the sunshine

i am a firm believer that sunshine makes a huge difference on a person's attitude and outlook.  and since we fort worthians were blessed with such splendid weather this weekend, i knew i needed to take advantage of it.  you see, darkness had set in on my heart and was weighing me down.  but i knew two things for sure: the sunshine would do me good and spending time dwelling on God's promises would lift that fog and renew my spirit.

so, what passage did i decide to dwell on?  a friend read psalm 18 out loud me this weekend.  and, (since i can't avoid this cliche), it spoke to me.  i believe God had a plan when He put that passage on her heart that day.  here's what i learned while drinking in the peacefulness of the outdoors and warmth from the sun.

psalm 18 
(in my own words)...

God is...
my strength
my rock
my fortress
my deliverer
my God
my shield
my salvation
my stronghold

What He does for me...
save me from my enemies (and the lies satan tells me)
hears me when i cry
pays attention to me when i call for Him
defends with great fury and power


(shakes the earth in His anger toward my enemies
smoke & fire flow from Him in wrath toward those who do harm
calls the heavens to thunder, bringing hailstones and fire to battle
sets lighting flashing
commands channels of water to appear
lays the foundations of the world bare in His rebuke toward my enemies)

pulls me out of deep waters, over and over again
rescues me
He is my stay, my stronghold
brings me into an open space...to gain perspective and clear my head
delights in me (astonishing)
rewards me for my righteousness (not said to be proud...just a promise He makes to all of His children)
shows kindness
lights up the darkness around me

because of Him, i can...
storm the armies that fight against me
leap over walls (conquering life's challenges)
have strength to fight
keep from sin
climb high places (for times of great joy and celebration)
train for battle (be prepared for the next challenge that comes along...the next time i'm tempted)
be saved
be great (great in His eyes...not the world's)
be sure-footed, trusting that He has outlined my path
face my enemies without fear
pursue my enemies (face my sin and weakness head-on and conquer it)
defeat my sin
lead others


my God...
subdues the evil ones
does not rescue my enemies
LIVES
avenges evil done to me (and to all His children)
gives great deliverance
shows lovingkindness


i needed those words from Him.  and i needed that time in solitude and quiet to hear it from Him.  maybe someone else out there needs it too.  if they do, i hope this reaches them and that they are as encouraged as i am.

cooking, comedy, & camp

this is my ode to community.  (not the show...but the wonderful people i consider friends.)

to the people of my world that write sweet messages on my facebook wall,
to those that text a quick inside joke out of the blue,
to you that call in the afternoon to tell me they're cooking and i can come over and eat for free...
i wouldn't know thougtfulness as well without you.

to the people of my world preface admissions with, "i can't believe i'm actually saying this out loud..."
to those that blog their personal lives,
to you that let me see their tears...
i wouldn't know honesty as well without you.

to the people of my world that make funny noises in the background when i'm trying to record my outgoing voicemail recording,
to those that tell me stories of how they wet their pants in front of their new boyfriends,
to you that practice "tangentry"...
i wouldn't know laughter as well without you.

to the people of my world that ask me the hard questions,
to those that speak the words of Christ into my life when i'm feeling sorry for myself,
to you that work tirelessly so that youth camp is a setting where kids can know Jesus better...
i wouldn't know the Lord as well without you.

pride & prejudice

so, i'm feeling convicted about my last post.  i fear that i came across bitter.  and i need to repent of that.  i had the best of intentions and i was simply expressing what i was feeling.  assuredly, i am by no means the wisest person about relationships. 

i was talking with a friend today about God's plan for our lives and how we often don't understand the where's and the why's of our circumstances.  as we talked, i had a revelation.  

have you seen the newest version of "pride & prejudice?"  it's a visually stunning movie and, following the typical jane austen distinctive, wildly romantic.  it's a movie that i can put on the tv and take a nap to; because i can wake up at any point and know exactly what i missed and what happens next.  i guess that means i've seen it quite a few times...

in this fantastic film, the heroine elizabeth bennet, (aka: lizzy), speaks with her father about her relationship with mr. darcy.  (obligatory big ::SIGH:: here...)  women just LOVE that mr. darcy... 

mr. bennet is quite aghast at the idea of his lizzy falling for this seemingly less-than-amiable mr. darcy.  but concedes that if she truly cares for him, he will allow the marriage.  and she in a moment of excitement and elation explains, "...you see, papa, we are so similar..."  and she confesses her true love for dear mr. darcy. 

here's where i'm going with this: my quams about singleness and how we relate to each other are actually quite similar to many other folks in different areas of life. 

for instance, i have several friends that had literally JUST finished opening wedding gifts or receiving congratulations after the ceremony when someone asks, "so when are you having kids?"  there's often a stutter of something like, "um...well, we, um...aren't ready for that yet..." from the newlyweds.  (and you can't get much more "newly" than that!) 

those folks are experiencing what i wrote about in the previous post.  the world has an idea of how things should go.  and sometimes people don't know how to react to those that don't seem to track with the archetypal life.  and what if a couple is trying to get pregnant but cannot?  it can be very painful.

the same thing goes for people like my friends, the Dunbars, who are missionaries to Bogota, Columbia.  it's hard for people to understand leaving their comfortable, descent paying jobs in The States to live in a dangerous part of the world. 

or folks like my grandparents, who at age 40 and with 4 daughters, sold their dairy farm so that my grandpa could go to Bible school and then on to seminary. 

it looks weird the world...even to those who love and know us best.

like i mentioned before, God works creatively in each of our lives.  it's often hard to explain why we make certain decisions or where we are in life.  sometimes it's by our choice...and sometimes it's not.  but the bottom line is:

we are really quite similar. 

and if we could offer a little more sensitivity to each other and a lot more license to God to do what He will in our lives, i believe we could eliminate some pain or frustration inflicted upon each other.

formulaic fiction

i dug out a journal from 2006-2007 last week.  in it were several journal entries and some notes from Passion 2007.  one particular entry caught my attention: God's design for singleness.  ben stuart of Breakaway Ministries in college station was the speaker.  i remember his january 3rd talk pretty well.  he's a gifted speaker, passionate about teaching and encouraging the people around him for God's glory.  it was my first time to hear him speak in person.  and the topic he was speaking of interested me. 

so i came to the ballroom, found a spot on the movie-theater style carpet, opened my new journal and clicked my pilot G2 pen into "ready" mode.  he was introduced, we clapped to welcome him and along with the college students waited in anticipation to hear what light he could shed on being single and dating. 

looking back now, i notice a few things about that break-out session:

1. the large amount of students in that ballroom.
2. i was there with students at least 4 - 6 years younger than me.
3. we were taking advice from someone that is married.
4. his message presented a formula for godly singleness.

now, hear me when i say that i believe ben was there presenting what he believed God wanted him to share.  i don't necessarily disagree with what he shared.  and i am sure that he did it with the best of intentions.  that being said, i want to explain my observations.

first, although the ballroom was huge and all the accordian partitions were pulled wide open, the room was overflowing with people!  perhaps some of that session's popularity was due to ben's popularity.  he is well-known as a great, godly speaker and teacher.  so, some may have been there to see him in person.

however, i think the majority of attendees were there because of the topic.  and so i ask: why is that?  have we become a desperate group of young adults, clinging to any scrap of help we can get in the arena of singleness and dating? 

out of curiosity, i looked up dating books on amazon.com.  i found over 12,000 books on dating.  and over 2,700 books that speak just to Christians about dating.  that alone tells me, YES, indeed we are hungry for direction in that area.  i know i've been fascinated by this topic for a long time.  and apparently, i'm not alone.

secondly, there i was, several years older than those college students, (his intended audience), and i still hadn't mastered singleness.  perhaps few really do.  but it still stands out to me that i had not grown or learned much between college and finishing grad school when i comes to this topic.  i have had almost 30 years of experience with it with 24 years of it as a Christian.  and i'm also not alone in this. 

there are hundreds upon hundreds of singles ministries across this country.  they are full of folks like me.  we didn't get married in or after college.  so churches put us in a designated stage and hope we'll figure it out and then come back to them after we get married.  but, alas, their strategy isn't fool-proof.  to be fair, if we don't know what to do, how can our church?  especially if most of our older generations can't identify with our longevity of singleness.  but that's another topic...

Third, God has no doubt placed fantastic married couples in my life.  i adore them and there would be a huge, gaping hole in my life without them.  and bless-their-hearts, they mean well.  but, oh boy, there should be a limit to the amount of times a person must hear certain phrases: "it'll happen when you least expect it!" "he/she just isn't ready for you yet."  "i don't know how you're still single."  or the round-about ways folks try to figure out if your doing something wrong.  because, after all, it seemed much easier for them! 

we sit under the teachings of other married folks, like ben stuart, hoping that they will share something magical that will make us ready, in the right place and the right time to meet "the one."  but often times, those folks are so removed from when they were single, they have lost touch with the sensitivity of it.  and their loving spirits want to help, to encourage us.  and honestly, i have to watch my heart so that i don't become skeptical of their advice. 

i remember a pretty funny experience with my grandma in minnesota.  she is so loving and sweet.  i know that her hopes and prayers for me are totally heartfelt.  one summer, we came up to take her to lunch.  she still livs in the city in which my dad spent his adolescent years.  we ended up taking a virtual walk down memory lane.  all the way back to the day my mom met my grandma.  my dad had already proposed at that point.  we laughed about the surprise of this announcement and how quickly God moved them toward marriage.  then she asked me if i was seeing a special guy. 

i replied, "well, grandma, i SEE guys all the time.  they're everywhere!"  she didn't think it was as funny as my parents did.  so, she blurts out something that still makes me giggle, "i'm serious!  i'm your grandma and i want to know!"  we were laughing so hard that i was in tears.  classic grandma damon.  but her reaction is not unlike those of other married folks. it's hard to understand folks who don't get married as young as they used to.

lastly, i never was much for mathematics.  it is the area in which i am least proficient.  so, when people try to reduce God's divine plan for our lives to some sort of formula, it bugs me.  at first i was attracted to that line of teaching because i am a problem solver.  but now, i don't see how God has to fit into our man-made formulas.  i have lived enough to know that we cannot know what today will bring. 

proverbs 19:21 says, "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."  (NIV) and proverbs 16:9, "in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (NIV)

you see, i know planning and organization are of the Lord.  but we cannot manipulate God.  He has a perfect will for us.  so then, how can we just take "3 steps to surviving singleness"?  did Christ present any formula beyond believe in Him and receive the Holy Spirit?  i know we want direction.  but like other areas in life, man-made formulas for navigating life without a spouse aren't universal. 

for instance, i have been in a position to look for jobs many, many times.  and i know that there are countless strategies for it.  one person may offer one kind of advice.  and another person could refute it and offer something different.  but i am convinced that our best attempts to control our circumstances can and will be thwarted at any time. 

so, here i am.  i cannot be so mindful of the advice of others that i barely hear what God has to say about it.  that goes for looking for work, missions, how to lead my specific village, and how to love others.  formulas don't work well for me.  i appreciate and will often create plans for living.  however, God is in control and He prefers to be creative in our lives.  i will not shy away from His fantastic creativity...even when it breaks my heart.  He is God.  I am not. 

caffeinated memories

oh, coffee shops, how i love you.  i could count the many reasons...but my favorite is that it's where many of my most memorable moments have taken place.  for some reason, over a steamy, (or icey), cup of deliciousness people share life on a deeper level.


when i moved to texas, i began frequenting one particular Starbucks that has longer hours.  and for the past 7 years, i've had many remarkable conversations here.  in fact, i can look at individual tables around the space, scan through my rolodex of memories, and call to mind certain situations that influence who i am today.


as i sit here now, at one of my favorite tables, (near an outlet of course), i see one table where i was first inspired to write about relationships.  in anger and frustration, i sat there pounding away at the keys of my laptop as if the heavier pressure would convey my tone more clearly to the readers...


or another table where i sat with tears in my eyes sharing my first experience with unemployment with who would become my roommate.  i love the various tables where i labored for days working on book reports and class projects for grad school.  they remind me of God's provision during four tough yet wonderful years.


then there's the table where i composed a 60th wedding anniversary video for my grandparents.  i remember sitting there with eyes about to burst with huge droplets while wondering at how God had blessed our whole family with their faithfulness.


there's another table where a man i hoped i would marry told me that he wished there were more women like me.  or three years later at another table where the same person asked me point-blank if he was one of those guys that played the buddy system in seminary.


it's extraordinary the connection i feel to this place.  it's just another Starbucks.  same tile floor, same wood tables, same fragrance of espresso in the air.  i've come to know and love the baristas at this location.  so that is different.  but if not for the many influencial memories here, i probably wouldn't feel so attached to it. there's a fondness growing even now as i sit here recalling all those emotions.


and it's all these memories that have led to a burden over the past several months.  it grew very strong in the last six weeks or so.  then one night, talking to my sister on the phone, i asked her a question: "do you think that if people have a desire that God did not give them, He will remove it if we ask Him to?"


i already had my own answer to that.  and she spoke it as if in agreement with my unspoken answer, "yes.  i do.  He wants us to have His desires.  He works in us to change our hearts to want what He wants."  so that led to a new prayer in my heart.  i pray it daily.


(if you've read any of my previous blog entries, you should know by now that i try to be open and honest about where i'm at with God; in my struggles and joys.  in an effort to do that even more, i'm about to get even more transparent.)

in order to hand my heaviest burden over to God, i began to pray this: if He has not given me the desire to be married, that He would take it away.  i want to be free of it and be more focused on what He has in store for me.  it has been infiltrating my thoughts throughout the day and storming my dreams at night.

thankfully, this new prayer has been stilling my heart.  it's not like the desire is gone.  nor do i feel as though God has called me to a life of singleness...not yet at least.  but it has helped clear my vision.  the Holy Spirit seems to grab hold of day dreams before they start and guard my heart when i watch romantic movies or listen to lovey-dovey music.

so right now in this special coffee shop with so many caffeinated memories, i am at peace.  i don't feel sad that things didn't work out with that guy from years ago.  and i don't regret having those experiences.  i am thankful that God is faithful to refine our hearts when we ask His help.  (and even when we don't!)


1 peter 5:6-11
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.  Be of sober spirit, be on the alert.  Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.  After your have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.  To Him be dominion forever and ever.  Amen.