there is a struggle that i know most people have either witnessed or experienced. i venture to say it happens so often that waiters and baristas around the world just role their eyes at the all-too-familiar exchange. when a man and woman, not yet a couple, arrives at the point where it's time to pay for their coffee, meal, mini-golf round, etc, an awkward moment also enters the scene.
here's one of the scenarios. a man and a woman approach a barista at Starbucks. the woman places her order, "i'll have a tall skinny caramel macchiato, please." (he lets her go first, like a good gentleman.)
then the awkward moment presents itself. her hand is in her purse, pulling out her wallet preparing to pay. he notices her movement and then offers, "no, i've got it!"
then the, "oh, are you sure? you don't have to..." and then his response, "um, no, it's okay. let me." (as if the time together wasn't nerve-racking enough...)
it's tough. some men get insulted when the woman doesn't ignore her manners and just let him pay. it's almost emasculating. she can be sweetly thankful with one simple, "thank you!" and then let it go. he's the leader and wants to feel more like the strong man he is. (i've got some input from "for women only" that i plan to add ASAP.)
but then, some men get turned off when a woman doesn't at least offer. that if she expects him to pay and they aren't even dating, what else does she expect of him? is she the princess type with a sense of entitlement?
one school of thought, (using this term lightly), argues that this shouldn't even be an issue; that whether you're dating that someone or just friends, the man should pay. he has the pleasure of her company and he should reflect his gratefulness by offering to cover the costs.
but then there's the other side that says, if the two are just hanging out, (i'll explain what i gather "hanging out" to mean later), why should he pay? it's a platonic situation. and sometimes it's the female that initiated meeting up. that should mean that he doesn't have to pay, right?
what do you think? where do you stand? what do you think the Bible say about situations like this? i know it may seem trivial to apply such depth to such a seemingly minor situation. but i would regret not connecting it all back to what God says about relationships.
As a married woman, I have just a few male friends that I am very close to. When we are out together, they almost always just take care of the bill, the door, the heavy lifting. I notice this and appreciate it, I take it as a respect thing. On the flip side if I am with one of my girlfriends and my husband, then he usual takes care of the bill, just like he always drives. I am always confused when I see a woman driving a man around?!?!? That being said, maybe I just choose to spend my time with people who I feel have the same values as me. I think we are all allowed to have our own views on these types of things. In the end you get to make the decision about who you spend your time with. Sometimes those little things can be a sign of bigger things...I am just saying. Stay true to you, there is no right or wrong, only what you feel comfortable with and are willing to put up with. I for one like to see men being men. I feel the same about people my age treating their elders when they go out. It is just how I was raised. Hope this helped in some small way.
ReplyDeletePS...I am loving your new blog background!!!
here's a post from my friend lesli:
ReplyDelete"well sister i am of the mind that the man pays! i have had the most amazing blessing of great guy friends that went by the rule if they initiated the 'hang out' then they paid and picked up and opened doors and all the works. if i initiated the outing then we went dutch but they still opened doors and such. if the gentleman is wanting to get to know you better then he pays. (mind you i usually do the pay 'dance' as i call it just to be polite but really in my opinion it shouldn't be necessary) it isn't an entitlement spoiled princess thing....it is called chivalry and it is dying! and if a guy wants to be the man and pursue it is part of his role. and personally very romantic! my two cents for what it's worth."
Here's a thought. . .for whatever it's worth. While getting to know each other both parties will present his or her best foot forward. If the guy isn't willing to do the little things - open the car door, open any door, pay, etc. - it might be a good indicator of who he will be when he gets married. It's easy to get relaxed after we say "I do". Let's look at the end game here ladies. If you want that guy who does the extra somethings after you're married he needs to be the guy who does LOTS of extra somethings when you're dating.
ReplyDeleteI may be old school - my husband asked for my Dad's blessing before he proposed even after 4.5 years of dating. And he still opens the car door. ;)
Hi MANDY! I'm so excited I found your blog! So, I have a guy friend who I just appreciated more than I can say through college. He was a rare and beautiful guy friend who developed a level of appropriate intimacy in friendships, even with girls, while it was always unspoken yet clear he intended only friendship through that. It's hard to explain, but I think it comes down to a mindset of the heart (if that illustration makes ANY sense), that he knew he didn't want to mess with a girls heart at all by flirting, but yet still found it possible to cultivate a solid and intentional friendship even across gender lines. All that to say as well, that he was incredibly chivalrous too. Just one example: he didn't have a car for the first few years of college, and we were in a lot of the same organizations and such, so when together, I would drive... But he would always open the car door anyway, the driver's side door, for me. Isn't that precious?
ReplyDelete