here's a question that i've struggled with most of my life: how do we sacrificially serve each other and yet keep healthy boundaries as unmarried Christians? and what are those boundaries? is there biblical precedent for it?
the bible repeatedly tells us to serve each other beyond our conveniences; to love each other without hesitation as Christ does. if He is our perfect example of unconditional love, what does that mean for those of us with less definable relationship statuses. now, i know that the lines can get blurry for married folks, too. and unfortunately, i've seen many people get caught up in that and really screw up their lives and ministry.
but since i'm single, i am more interested in how to answer this question in regards to other single people. i believe that the Lord is working in my life to reveal to me how He wants me to behave. but i'd love to get your feedback. God brought this to mind today because of something i just read.
i'm a big fan of oswald chambers and his My Utmost for His Highest study. today he writes in regards to 2 corinthians 12:15, "though the more abundantly i love you, the less i be loved." He explains that Paul sees his life as "I do not care with what extravagance I spend myself, and i will do it gladly."
that got me thinking, how does this translate to me and how i "spend myself" for other single men in my life? it's easy to love the women around me without there being a misunderstanding of my intentions. i can tell a woman that i love them and they won't freak out and think i'm in love with them! but the unwed dudes in my life most certainly could! (and with good reason if they don't know me and my intentions.)
i've run into situations in my life that even though my acts of service were purely because i care about them, someone will inevitably start to believe i have feelings for them. and other times, i have had to evaluate my intentions: am i doing this because they are my brother or more because i do have feelings for them? that's when i recognize my fault in it.
but no matter what, i get frustrated that i can't serve my male counterparts the same way i can the women. does anyone else struggle with this? (i have a feeling i'm not alone in this.) i know some very servant-minded single men that have helped me and many other women move. but i'll bet you a u-haul that some of those women have and do start to think that their act of service meant more than it did.
oswald, (yep, we're on a first name basis), also writes, "natural love expects some return, but Paul says - i do not care whether you love me or not, i am willing to destitute myself completely, not merely for your sakes, but that i may get you to God."
that being said, how can we "destitute" ourselves in order to bring our single brothers and sisters to Christ?
it's hard enough when their is a definition to a relationship. but in the friendship/not dating relationship, what is appropriate service? is it wise to go to such extremes for our brothers and sisters?
Christ did....
Paul did....
perhaps it simply starts with our intentions. if we set it in our hearts to simply love our family as just that, family, i believe it would simplify so much. and if we do not expect a "return" on our efforts to serve them, there won't be much room for disappointment, right?
here's where it gets tricky for me: what about when you feel that folks take you for granted. for instance, i believe there have been male friends in my life that have taken my emotional support and acts of kindness for granted. not that i expected anything in return. but there must come a point when that man decides who he will marry, (at least its more likely than not that a majority of us will be married), and therefore the person he supports and supports him is designated with a wedding ring.
so if any of us is biding our time with someone of the opposite sex outside of the context of a dating relationship, isn't that a form of fraud? are we using their service to us as an in-the-meantime significant other? it's much easier for me to know how to handle each friendship when i know exactly what role i play in their life. but since men and women don't always think the same, (shocking, right?), we can't expect each other to know when we are defrauding them.
the Lord and i have been talking about this for a long time. all i can say is thank goodness God offers mercy and grace! i am such a work in progress. but at least progressive!
talk to me! give me your thoughts on this. it may be very clear to other folks. but for those of us that need a little help...share the wealth!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
adventures in dating
i'm at a strange place in life. (but who isn't?) i work in the building industry during one of the most frightening economical times our country has seen in 30 years. i'm a part of a burgeoning new church in which i have the opportunity to lead with truly gifted people. there are wonderful people in my life that i love to love. and my writing project takes time as i work through what the Lord is teaching me.
somewhere in the midst of all this, i am still hoping to meet the man i will marry someday. it's weird because in all other aspects of my life, i must do the pursuing. but in this one area, it doesn't work that way. don't get me wrong, i've tried being the pursuer. and it NEVER works out. EVER.
but how do i flip the switch from the pursuit after spending over 90% of my time doing just that?
i've been on a few dates the past couple weeks. it's been fun! but at the same time exhausting. i don't know how people do this well. before each date, i have to psych myself up and be hopeful for a fun time with a (hopefully) normal guy.
women will agree with me when i say it takes a lot of effort to get yourself looking just right before a date. but then add to the mix the idea of a blind date or meeting someone you've met through eharmony or match.com.
okay, i confess that i've joined both those websites as an experiment. and it's a bizarre experience to say the least. both have yielded such different results. eharmony: major let down. not one of those matches seems the right fit for me...even though i answered a MULTITUDE of questions in the profile questions.
match.com has been more productive. i've decided that it's because the men have an opportunity to search for the kind of woman they'd like to be with. and with that comes the natural progression of man pursuing the woman. instead of the same dynamic i see in so many churches: men presented with many available women and the women compete for the attention of the men. at least that's what you see in larger churches with singles ministries. this passive approach isn't working well.
what i'm finding in my 29th year as a single, Christian woman, is that it's harder to find someone that values abstinence and doesn't push the envelope physically. yes, all things are permissible...but not all beneficial. as a church, i think we've done a poor job helping young adults in this area. we need to encourage folks to not prolong adolescence and find a mate. (that is if you want to be married.) then, the physical aspect that is already too tempting, isn't considered more acceptable as we get older. (but this is a whole other topic...)
that's when online sites are helpful to folks that are really interested in finding the right person. so, even though nothing's really panned-out yet, at least i've met some neat men and learned more about what i want and who i am.
i had a friend say to me last night, "play on, playa." (a line from the totally awesome 90s hit, "no diggity".) even though i don't want to appear a "playa", i have the opportunity to learn the appropriate level of expectations after just one or two dates. these dating sights create the opportunity to date several people at one time.
but what i've found to be most interesting, is the increase in coupled/married friends suddenly suggesting that i be set up with their single friends. this is a pretty new experience for me. in fact, i used to wonder why they didn't do this before. so, i think the timing of it is pretty interesting: just when i've decided to make myself available through online dating services. perhaps it has something to do with being willing to open myself up to new opportunities? or maybe i'm at the place God wants for me so that the conditions are right to meet my future love?
either way, i'm encouraged to know that good guys are out there and they will treat me with kindness and respect. what a blessing! after all, it's easy to become jaded and cynical in a world of imperfect people. i was starting to grow more and more frustrated with single men in my age group. so, the Lord, (like always), is redeeming those worldly assumptions and changing my heart toward more hopefulness and less cynicism.
somewhere in the midst of all this, i am still hoping to meet the man i will marry someday. it's weird because in all other aspects of my life, i must do the pursuing. but in this one area, it doesn't work that way. don't get me wrong, i've tried being the pursuer. and it NEVER works out. EVER.
but how do i flip the switch from the pursuit after spending over 90% of my time doing just that?
i've been on a few dates the past couple weeks. it's been fun! but at the same time exhausting. i don't know how people do this well. before each date, i have to psych myself up and be hopeful for a fun time with a (hopefully) normal guy.
women will agree with me when i say it takes a lot of effort to get yourself looking just right before a date. but then add to the mix the idea of a blind date or meeting someone you've met through eharmony or match.com.
okay, i confess that i've joined both those websites as an experiment. and it's a bizarre experience to say the least. both have yielded such different results. eharmony: major let down. not one of those matches seems the right fit for me...even though i answered a MULTITUDE of questions in the profile questions.
match.com has been more productive. i've decided that it's because the men have an opportunity to search for the kind of woman they'd like to be with. and with that comes the natural progression of man pursuing the woman. instead of the same dynamic i see in so many churches: men presented with many available women and the women compete for the attention of the men. at least that's what you see in larger churches with singles ministries. this passive approach isn't working well.
what i'm finding in my 29th year as a single, Christian woman, is that it's harder to find someone that values abstinence and doesn't push the envelope physically. yes, all things are permissible...but not all beneficial. as a church, i think we've done a poor job helping young adults in this area. we need to encourage folks to not prolong adolescence and find a mate. (that is if you want to be married.) then, the physical aspect that is already too tempting, isn't considered more acceptable as we get older. (but this is a whole other topic...)
that's when online sites are helpful to folks that are really interested in finding the right person. so, even though nothing's really panned-out yet, at least i've met some neat men and learned more about what i want and who i am.
i had a friend say to me last night, "play on, playa." (a line from the totally awesome 90s hit, "no diggity".) even though i don't want to appear a "playa", i have the opportunity to learn the appropriate level of expectations after just one or two dates. these dating sights create the opportunity to date several people at one time.
but what i've found to be most interesting, is the increase in coupled/married friends suddenly suggesting that i be set up with their single friends. this is a pretty new experience for me. in fact, i used to wonder why they didn't do this before. so, i think the timing of it is pretty interesting: just when i've decided to make myself available through online dating services. perhaps it has something to do with being willing to open myself up to new opportunities? or maybe i'm at the place God wants for me so that the conditions are right to meet my future love?
either way, i'm encouraged to know that good guys are out there and they will treat me with kindness and respect. what a blessing! after all, it's easy to become jaded and cynical in a world of imperfect people. i was starting to grow more and more frustrated with single men in my age group. so, the Lord, (like always), is redeeming those worldly assumptions and changing my heart toward more hopefulness and less cynicism.
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