here's a question that i've struggled with most of my life: how do we sacrificially serve each other and yet keep healthy boundaries as unmarried Christians? and what are those boundaries? is there biblical precedent for it?
the bible repeatedly tells us to serve each other beyond our conveniences; to love each other without hesitation as Christ does. if He is our perfect example of unconditional love, what does that mean for those of us with less definable relationship statuses. now, i know that the lines can get blurry for married folks, too. and unfortunately, i've seen many people get caught up in that and really screw up their lives and ministry.
but since i'm single, i am more interested in how to answer this question in regards to other single people. i believe that the Lord is working in my life to reveal to me how He wants me to behave. but i'd love to get your feedback. God brought this to mind today because of something i just read.
i'm a big fan of oswald chambers and his My Utmost for His Highest study. today he writes in regards to 2 corinthians 12:15, "though the more abundantly i love you, the less i be loved." He explains that Paul sees his life as "I do not care with what extravagance I spend myself, and i will do it gladly."
that got me thinking, how does this translate to me and how i "spend myself" for other single men in my life? it's easy to love the women around me without there being a misunderstanding of my intentions. i can tell a woman that i love them and they won't freak out and think i'm in love with them! but the unwed dudes in my life most certainly could! (and with good reason if they don't know me and my intentions.)
i've run into situations in my life that even though my acts of service were purely because i care about them, someone will inevitably start to believe i have feelings for them. and other times, i have had to evaluate my intentions: am i doing this because they are my brother or more because i do have feelings for them? that's when i recognize my fault in it.
but no matter what, i get frustrated that i can't serve my male counterparts the same way i can the women. does anyone else struggle with this? (i have a feeling i'm not alone in this.) i know some very servant-minded single men that have helped me and many other women move. but i'll bet you a u-haul that some of those women have and do start to think that their act of service meant more than it did.
oswald, (yep, we're on a first name basis), also writes, "natural love expects some return, but Paul says - i do not care whether you love me or not, i am willing to destitute myself completely, not merely for your sakes, but that i may get you to God."
that being said, how can we "destitute" ourselves in order to bring our single brothers and sisters to Christ?
it's hard enough when their is a definition to a relationship. but in the friendship/not dating relationship, what is appropriate service? is it wise to go to such extremes for our brothers and sisters?
Christ did....
Paul did....
perhaps it simply starts with our intentions. if we set it in our hearts to simply love our family as just that, family, i believe it would simplify so much. and if we do not expect a "return" on our efforts to serve them, there won't be much room for disappointment, right?
here's where it gets tricky for me: what about when you feel that folks take you for granted. for instance, i believe there have been male friends in my life that have taken my emotional support and acts of kindness for granted. not that i expected anything in return. but there must come a point when that man decides who he will marry, (at least its more likely than not that a majority of us will be married), and therefore the person he supports and supports him is designated with a wedding ring.
so if any of us is biding our time with someone of the opposite sex outside of the context of a dating relationship, isn't that a form of fraud? are we using their service to us as an in-the-meantime significant other? it's much easier for me to know how to handle each friendship when i know exactly what role i play in their life. but since men and women don't always think the same, (shocking, right?), we can't expect each other to know when we are defrauding them.
the Lord and i have been talking about this for a long time. all i can say is thank goodness God offers mercy and grace! i am such a work in progress. but at least progressive!
talk to me! give me your thoughts on this. it may be very clear to other folks. but for those of us that need a little help...share the wealth!
Ok, so can I answer a question with a question? Is this something that married women and single women should approach differently or similarly? (The part about ministering to men in our lives.) Being in the married category it is easy for me to leave the "loving my brothers" up to my husband and my service goes through him. If I'm involved it's always WITH him and never without him. That boundry was easy because of appearance and misundertood intentions.
ReplyDeleteI remember an occasion in college when a close guy friend showed up on my doorstep in crisis. I was single. I scrambled to call another trusted guy friend to come and minister to him. I felt uncomfortable with how much he needed. I thought that depth of investment needed to come from another man.
Did Paul minister to other women on a one-on-one basis? Did Christ?
If our main servant focus should be on the same sex (not saying it is, just "if") then are we letting the men off the hook if we as women (married or single) jump in every time we see a need? Have we stepped in to do their job? I remember a speaker at some point saying that as women we complain about men not leading but we often times don't allow them to do so. We want it done in our timing and in our way - and men don't operate like that.
great input, sis! you know, i don't know if Christ was ever alone when he ministered to women. in fact, he was with BOTH mary and martha in their home. and he ministered to the sick woman in a crowd.
ReplyDeleteand for paul, it SOUNDS like he mentions women in pairs or small groups when he greets them in his letters. he doesn't seem to say, "tell phoebe i said, "hey and i'll stop by next time i'm in town."
you bring up an interesting point: do we get in each other's way of service? i am pretty sure i have in the past.
so, is the answer, let our ministry to the opposite sex be THROUGH the opposite sex?