i dug out a journal from 2006-2007 last week. in it were several journal entries and some notes from Passion 2007. one particular entry caught my attention: God's design for singleness. ben stuart of Breakaway Ministries in college station was the speaker. i remember his january 3rd talk pretty well. he's a gifted speaker, passionate about teaching and encouraging the people around him for God's glory. it was my first time to hear him speak in person. and the topic he was speaking of interested me.
so i came to the ballroom, found a spot on the movie-theater style carpet, opened my new journal and clicked my pilot G2 pen into "ready" mode. he was introduced, we clapped to welcome him and along with the college students waited in anticipation to hear what light he could shed on being single and dating.
looking back now, i notice a few things about that break-out session:
1. the large amount of students in that ballroom.
2. i was there with students at least 4 - 6 years younger than me.
3. we were taking advice from someone that is married.
4. his message presented a formula for godly singleness.
now, hear me when i say that i believe ben was there presenting what he believed God wanted him to share. i don't necessarily disagree with what he shared. and i am sure that he did it with the best of intentions. that being said, i want to explain my observations.
first, although the ballroom was huge and all the accordian partitions were pulled wide open, the room was overflowing with people! perhaps some of that session's popularity was due to ben's popularity. he is well-known as a great, godly speaker and teacher. so, some may have been there to see him in person.
however, i think the majority of attendees were there because of the topic. and so i ask: why is that? have we become a desperate group of young adults, clinging to any scrap of help we can get in the arena of singleness and dating?
out of curiosity, i looked up dating books on amazon.com. i found over 12,000 books on dating. and over 2,700 books that speak just to Christians about dating. that alone tells me, YES, indeed we are hungry for direction in that area. i know i've been fascinated by this topic for a long time. and apparently, i'm not alone.
secondly, there i was, several years older than those college students, (his intended audience), and i still hadn't mastered singleness. perhaps few really do. but it still stands out to me that i had not grown or learned much between college and finishing grad school when i comes to this topic. i have had almost 30 years of experience with it with 24 years of it as a Christian. and i'm also not alone in this.
there are hundreds upon hundreds of singles ministries across this country. they are full of folks like me. we didn't get married in or after college. so churches put us in a designated stage and hope we'll figure it out and then come back to them after we get married. but, alas, their strategy isn't fool-proof. to be fair, if we don't know what to do, how can our church? especially if most of our older generations can't identify with our longevity of singleness. but that's another topic...
Third, God has no doubt placed fantastic married couples in my life. i adore them and there would be a huge, gaping hole in my life without them. and bless-their-hearts, they mean well. but, oh boy, there should be a limit to the amount of times a person must hear certain phrases: "it'll happen when you least expect it!" "he/she just isn't ready for you yet." "i don't know how you're still single." or the round-about ways folks try to figure out if your doing something wrong. because, after all, it seemed much easier for them!
we sit under the teachings of other married folks, like ben stuart, hoping that they will share something magical that will make us ready, in the right place and the right time to meet "the one." but often times, those folks are so removed from when they were single, they have lost touch with the sensitivity of it. and their loving spirits want to help, to encourage us. and honestly, i have to watch my heart so that i don't become skeptical of their advice.
i remember a pretty funny experience with my grandma in minnesota. she is so loving and sweet. i know that her hopes and prayers for me are totally heartfelt. one summer, we came up to take her to lunch. she still livs in the city in which my dad spent his adolescent years. we ended up taking a virtual walk down memory lane. all the way back to the day my mom met my grandma. my dad had already proposed at that point. we laughed about the surprise of this announcement and how quickly God moved them toward marriage. then she asked me if i was seeing a special guy.
i replied, "well, grandma, i SEE guys all the time. they're everywhere!" she didn't think it was as funny as my parents did. so, she blurts out something that still makes me giggle, "i'm serious! i'm your grandma and i want to know!" we were laughing so hard that i was in tears. classic grandma damon. but her reaction is not unlike those of other married folks. it's hard to understand folks who don't get married as young as they used to.
lastly, i never was much for mathematics. it is the area in which i am least proficient. so, when people try to reduce God's divine plan for our lives to some sort of formula, it bugs me. at first i was attracted to that line of teaching because i am a problem solver. but now, i don't see how God has to fit into our man-made formulas. i have lived enough to know that we cannot know what today will bring.
proverbs 19:21 says, "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (NIV) and proverbs 16:9, "in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (NIV)
you see, i know planning and organization are of the Lord. but we cannot manipulate God. He has a perfect will for us. so then, how can we just take "3 steps to surviving singleness"? did Christ present any formula beyond believe in Him and receive the Holy Spirit? i know we want direction. but like other areas in life, man-made formulas for navigating life without a spouse aren't universal.
for instance, i have been in a position to look for jobs many, many times. and i know that there are countless strategies for it. one person may offer one kind of advice. and another person could refute it and offer something different. but i am convinced that our best attempts to control our circumstances can and will be thwarted at any time.
so, here i am. i cannot be so mindful of the advice of others that i barely hear what God has to say about it. that goes for looking for work, missions, how to lead my specific village, and how to love others. formulas don't work well for me. i appreciate and will often create plans for living. however, God is in control and He prefers to be creative in our lives. i will not shy away from His fantastic creativity...even when it breaks my heart. He is God. I am not.
