I feel a need to come clean and just be open and honest. Not that I'm usually dishonest...it's just that I started blogging to talk about what other people are saying about relationships and to get your feedback.
But tonight........tonight there's a different purpose to my writing.
I write to you tonight from a comfy bed in the Residence Inn. I accidentally brought my laptop along when I forgot to take it into my house before I left for the hotel. But I now think that part of my forgetfulness wasn't really by mistake. I believe that the Lord wanted me to write tonight; knowing what I would be feeling at this very moment.
Here I am on a leaders retreat for The City Church. I am so thrilled to be a part of this church family! I love everyone in it. And I'm so blessed to know that they feel I am qualified, (thanks to Jesus), to lead a village. In our first session we talked about why The City exists, what the Gospel means and how it translates in to our lives and our identity.
Needless to say, it's been a great encouragement already!
Yet......
I sit here WIDE awake. Like the movie "Sleepless in Seattle," I can't seem to stop thinking about what I'm missing and therefore preventing a decent night's sleep. No, I've not lost the love of my life. I don't even know who he is! And yet, I miss him.
I'm ashamed to say that although I am sure that the Lord has given me everything I need for this day and will provide everything I need for the next, I still long for more. I want to find the man that the Lord has chosen as my husband. I want to begin our life together, to serve him, love him on a much deeper level than anyone else on earth!
I sure wish that I didn't struggle with this and that I could go about this leadership training without this distraction hanging around. And even though the Lord and I have taken great strides in this area of my life. Tonight I feel weak and brokenhearted.
As I sat around the round-ish table this evening surrounded with wonderful, godly people, I felt different and alone. I could hear the enemy telling me, "Look at all these couples. THEY can lead a group. But you? You're just one person! How are you adequate for this job?" His lies sunk in deeper and deeper until just a few minutes ago when tears came pouring out of my sleepless eyes.
This is spiritual warfare; no doubt about it. I claim Jesus' cleansing blood all over me and the enemy will not be victorious. But as the Lord soothes the ache and quiets my fears, tonight I pray. And I write.
My mind WILL be transformed.
I will NOT be conformed to this world.
He Who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it.
But for tonight............tonight I confess that I ache for something that the Lord does not want to give yet. And I await eagerly for the new, merciful morning.
You are ABSOLUTELY adequate--and more so--for leadership. I am so glad you find rejuvination in writing and sharing your heart with God and your friends. YAY for honesty! Kick all of those negative thoughts out of your head...like a ninja. :) Have a GREAT first village tonight!
ReplyDeleteMandy...thank you so much for you complete honesty and vulnerability. I know exactly where you are coming from and struggle with such similar feelings and thoughts. I suppose the enemy knows exactly how to attack despite the blessings in our lives...that sucks :( I hope that you are able to rest in the truth of the Word and believe it...I know that is so much easier said than done but hopefully you will find peace in Him again soon. I love you and will be praying for you! Now I need to update my blog!
ReplyDeleteYou and me are at the exact same place.
ReplyDeleteThese words by Paul are the weight of my anchor that is in Christ Jesus our Lord:
"It was in this hope that were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees. But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:24-25
I have dwelt on those words for weeks. It was so easy for me to wait anything for patience when I am not really longing for "it". Yet, God decided to flip my world upside down and pressed upon my heart to yearn and want the good things of God. Now, I have to wait for it and impatience is being exposed in my heart. How am I going to make it?
"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." Romans 8:26-27
Shocking enough, we have to press into God and depend on Him further still. We depend on him for strength, now we must realize we have to depend on him for our next heartbeat.
so true, friends. so true. thanks for your valuable encouragement!
ReplyDeletei wasn't sure what would happen when i bared my soul this way. but i knew that i needed to do it.
i love my Lord. He is faithful and more loving than i realize. He is working out His perfect plan for my life. and i await it eagerly!