independence: friend or foe?

a friend sent me a message on facebook that sparked thought about independence.  she said the following:

"I remember reading a list from a book on your blog and one of the things mentioned money and men feeling the need to be the provider. I found that being independent made most guys feel uncomfortable and also caused them to not want to "do" anything "for" me, but with an attitude. As if they were silently saying, oh you can handle everything on your own, you don't need me. Me and another independent girlfriend both had this issue and starting talking about being independent by choice and by default..."

that got me thinking...is independence admirable or undesirable?  does it have to be one or the other?  since then i've asked this question of a few close folks in my life. 

the single women i asked said that they agree with my friend's statement.  they have felt penalized for trying to get and keep their lives in order.  we've seen women who have the damsel-in-distress personality find love.  but it seems like many more responsible women get overlooked or ignored because to some men, it looks like they don't need a man in their lives.  but do women that are clearly in need of men in their lives really get more attention?

let me break this down for the men, (and women that don't identify). 

the longer a woman stays single, the more responsibility she must take on.  paying her bills, buying a car, (in my case, replacing a car after a stripper hits it on her way home from work at 3 am), getting a pet, buying a home, taking vacations, caring for sick parents and grandparents, planning for retirement, investing...the list goes on and on.  that kind of woman has to daily balance work and who-knows-what-else.  that means she's got a system and must maintain it so that her whole world doesn't fall apart. 

you see, it's not that she doesn't need a companion in her life.  it's just that no one has asked or taken the opportunity to figure that out. 

women can't just say that when she first meets a man.  could you imagine the fear it would strike in the heart of a dude if she were to say, "hey, nice to meet you.  just so you know, i'm a highly organized hard-worker who has a lot on her plate.  i'd love it if you would step in and be the man i've been waiting for so that i don't have to do all this on my own.  i do need you, (or someone like you), to be a part of my organized chaos.  when can you start?" 

that, along with, "how many kids do you want?" "what's your stance on premarital sex?"  "what's your relationship with your mom and dad like?" are highly inappropriate for first dates, right? 

so how does a woman communicate that to someone when some guys make assumptions and never give her a chance? 

a single male friend offered his opinion, too.  he said that a responsible woman isn't a turn-off.  but a controlling one is.  yes.  i definitely agree there.  if, (once in a relationship), the chica cannot let her boyfriend serve her and lead them in the relationship, then that is a huge problem and stems back with submission.  (yes, that dirty, ugly word that feminists want banned from the dictionary.  but stay with me.  the biblical definition of submission is not a woman that plays the doormat or doily-wearing church mouse.)  a woman that cannot allow her man to lead the relationship needs to deal with that. 

a married female friend said that some men in relationships take that independence for granted and let their woman do it all because he knows she can.  that is a lazy man that should be avoided!  in my opinion, that relationship will never be as fulfilling as it could be.  in fact, i venture to say that it barely resembles the church and our relationship with God. 

but i digress...

a married male friend said that it's a sign of immaturity if a guy doesn't pursue a woman he likes just because it looks like he doesn't have anything to offer her...that she's got "it" all together.  he said that when he met his wife, he appreciated that she could take care of things if he weren't around all the time but would miss him while he was gone.  is that true for most men?  is that the kind of women mature men look for?  

here's where i need your input: what do you think of independence in single women?  do you identify with the i-get-ignored feelings?  do you think all this is an excuse/cop-out controlling women use to make themselves feel better?  is independence a turn-off for single men? 

perspective

In case you didn't know this, I sell homes for a home builder.  Even though my title is a sales counselor.  I believe the biggest part of my job is the latter part of the title: counselor.  And that means listening A LOT.  Granted, buying a home is a big deal and it's even bigger when you're building it.  So it's understandable to need someone to walk with folks through the process and help keep them calm. 

Many times, I am, (whether consciously or unconsciously), invited into the lives of my homeowners.  I get to hear about their families, play with their kids, talk about spiritual things, and listen when they are stressed out about different parts of their lives and how it affects their feelings toward their new home. 

Today was no different.  There is a very sweet woman building a home with us.  This home means a lot to her and you could say it's purchase is bitter sweet.  You see, she is a widow.  Her husband was killed maliciously in an armed robbery...executioner style.  Imagine the horror if you were her.  To hear that news...I hope I never know what that feels like. 

But what was special about today's visit to the model home was her thoughtful words to me.  Despite her nervousness about building a home and doing it all alone, she says, "I am praying for you to find the right man.  I had a date this weekend and I know how hard it is out there.  And I just really think you deserve someone special."

She had just said, (with tears in her eyes), that this home is the home she and her husband had planned to buy together.  It made me cry, too!  But in the midst of her grief and stress of moving twice and building a home, she is considerate of me.  It humbled me.  Her genuine words of encouragement meant so much to me right now.

This is because I've wrapped up my online dating experience.  It taught me a lot about what I want and who I am.  And I'm glad I did it.  But I also know that it's time to end that experience.  I am exactly where I need to be: the right job, the right church, the right city.  And I believe that God doesn't need me to be in a huge church to "increase my odds."  Rather, He needs me to be obedient for His kingdom.  And all the other things will be added to it when it's time. 

Because I am in the right job today, this sweet woman encouraged me in a way none of my other homeowners could have because of her specific life situation.  I don't think I'll ever forget that.

the purest of truth

^{I've been reading Colossians 1 this week.  I love the poetry and honesty of it.  I believe it expresses the purest of truth in life: Christ is the physical representation of God, savior of the world, the head of the church, and in Him I am made holy.}   

^{I was drawn to this passage because I needed to stop and remember why I write.  And why relationships are worth the effort.  You see, the world says dating should be exciting.  However, I'm exhausted!  It's hard work but I know it's worth it.  And I needed a reminder of that.}

^{The "for in Him all things hold together..." phrase struck me.  Christ is Who creates relationships and keeps them together.  It's when we forget that, that we mess it up.} 

^{Read on and be thankful...}

⁹For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, ¹⁰so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; ¹¹strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously ¹²giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.  

¹³For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, ¹⁴in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.  ¹⁵He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. ¹⁶For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him.  ¹⁷He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.  ¹⁸He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.  ¹⁹For it was the Father's good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, ²⁰and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.  ²¹And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, ²²yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach--²³if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.